death by euphoria

in that first solid memorable.. moment.. when you realize.. you have an absolute connection to another human being.. in this case the oppisite sex.. and your entire body fills with a raging heat from your throat to your thighs.. and you feel a sense of lust and delicious euphoric bliss. when all of the sudden human nature consumes you. and your heart throbs wildly inside your chest.. your palms gloss over with a warm sticky sweat.. your eyes.. follow every direction the specimen moves. you feel a passion rising in you and it seems like a volcano waiting to erupt.

it erupts and things are splendid.. and full of hot animalist sex. sex that cannot be explained in even the most erotic of words, something happens.. something moves through you and the animal inside of us all is awoken. hot wet unrequited sexual desire. the things you are capable of. expressing a human to human dance of our naked bodies. soul and all. mind and body.. uncontrollable it seems.. but be controlled it must. you see the first initial contact with another being.. so close to you.. inside you.. next to you . the heat from anothers body.. producing positive horomones… serotonines. lust lust lust. we can become lost in this state.. and almost become addicted to it in a sense, that rush that desire to prowl and be prowled over. can this not be some sick game we have develpoed as humans, men want sex. women want love, in the most generic of senses. we have gotten lost in the sex and the sexiness it can hold. and it has turned into.. nothing.. but fuckery. as quoted by my good friend morgan hopp.

 

but what happens to a woman.. is different than that of which happens to a man. we involve our minds.. because our body is a temple.. even tho it is not always treated as such, man to seek woman.. woman to set out to run the length of the chase. however the chase is as long as we want it to be. but many women and i myself am included as guilty. you cannot love someone because you have slept with them. yes you may think you love them.. but you fall into the lust and in consumes us. we may be able to keep our emotions at bay for a short while.. but eventually the death by euphoria has entered its final stages.. he stops contact.. he wants no ties.. he is seeing someone else. maybe it is a hard pill to swallow.. but it possesses the ugliest of truths

we hold back the emotion of it because if we express it too soon.. he may panic and run the other direction towards the hills..far far and way the hell away. when we pine and prod over.. i know he has these feelings but he is not showing them// STOP// if he is not showing them.. he probably doesnt possess them. this is where ladies.. i fear we are in more responsibilty than we take account for.. because we have allowed sex.. to confuse us into wanting more.. than what actually lie in face value. if you never have found yourself guilty of false hope.. because he sleeps with you.. then you are sorely indenial. and i will be the first one to admit to this… as i have made this mistake countless times.

 

dont get me wrong.. had you of not slept with him too sooon.. youre right it probably could have been great.. but we cause a change in ourselves all the while lying.. that he will COME AROUND. when in doubt you and i both know.. death by euphoria. we let it become us.. we get lost in it. in the idea of it.. in what it could be.. should be .. would be… maybe will be. but the name of the game is simple. seek and destroy.. a mission impossible. should you choose sex over your own happiness.. which we know sex is not the answer… but should you chooose this method over and over and over again.. we are insane.. to think it will come out with a different result. re evaluate yourself. and the respect… we not only desire.. but deserve.. and think.. if we stop giving away the lottery as i like to refer to it.. someone else has a greater chance of winning… in due time. patience.. and it is a virtue. i guess the question is.. how do we survive this journey with the media.. and the pressure of sex.. every where we turn..

 

its the journey in itself we need to follow the map too..

the journey is .. and is going to be.. but there are road blocks ..and detours..and bumps along the way..

how do we get to a better place emotionally. how do we make it work without a key ingredient.. or so we think is the key ingredient.

 

all good things are worth the wait.. but no one said the wait will be that of a pleasant one. however i say this because of my own mishaps.. my own short comings.. my own stupid lustful ventures. yet i have yet to follow my own advice. take heed with me as i try to embark on a journey of re selfdiscovery.. and respect..

 

til then.

what in the hell am i doing?

for someone like me. its never been the road of gold and prosper. its been tough. its been jaded. its been more or less a life of conflict and constant inner turmoil. i have been in a stand off with myself for the passed 2 years. i lost a job back in 2010 which really ultimately turned my entirety into a ball of phuck. the only thing i can think of as i back track over where ive been and what im doing is.. that i let it break me.. instead of moving forward in my life i denied perpetual motion.. and went right back into the person i thought i had outgrown.

 

my problem is i am so concerned with face value and the fact that people cannot be trusted.. that i deter from any life long relationships that hold any substance. i am constantly watching how people say things.. or where they lay their hands when they say them.. are the blinking nervously or fidgeting? is it me. or am i paranoid. ive grown to be this way because every one i love leaves me in a sea of lies. or maybe they are not lies at all.. maybe i have myself so convinced that they will lie to me that i create my own demise before they can even hit the door. maybe its me .. maybe its all the things around me.. maybe i should paint my apartment wildy bright colors to try and bring some mental peace into my life.. because as of right now i feel like ive lost every inch of sanity i have ever picked up along the way.

that is where i today. lost.. lonely.. single.. and i spend my afternoons making random trips to places i frequent all the time.. just because i have nothing to do. i get in my car and put in whatever cd it is i have found to emotionally stimulate myself for the time being.. and i go .. and i drink coffee and on the seat next to me.. you will find.. a book.. a notebook earphones and a pen or two. some days are ok.. some are hard.

some days i dont want to get out of my bed.. some days i lay on the couch til i absolutley have to move. some days.. i dont want to be alone in my apartment at all so i just go somewhere. the gym the grocery store.. the lake front.. barnes and noble. it doesnt matter because it is all the same at the end of the day.. i dont want to be alone.. but i spend most of my time that way by choice. i dont know what it is i am doing these days.. and i think its time i find out. because i am lost wandering my own walls in my head trying to figure out why i put them there how they got there.. and who painted them in these awful colors.

 

be free