You know as a female, I find that the things that go on in my head, are a little unsettling. Not in a ‘serial killer way’ but in a way like… I am the joker and I will unveil batman, or take the penguin’s cumber-bun… or however that goes.
I have found myself, in precarious situations in relationships with men, where something, one thing, little,big,small, it happened. And I could not get it out of the back of my head. Which for me, as a Leo, with a jealous streak the size of the Great wall of China, this is quite the daunting task at hand. I mean to be sloshing my feet back and forth violently in a clearly marked.. ‘No wake’ zone.
Basically I am fucked.
Once that thought is implanted, once the idea has come to fruition, it plants a seed.
In not just a woman’s head, but in men as well. And if you find yourself reading this saying
“Not me absolutely not.. I have never, not once, nope. Just.No.”
You are lying to me, yourself and everyone else.
Now with this ‘ideal’ I am going to lay out before you. Please pass judgment. That is my disclaimer. I am giving you the permission to do what you are going to do– regardless. So you can feel like less of an asshole later.
Men are from Mars — Women are from ….
Just stop. This is dumb. You need to stop making excuses of the sex. Seriously, Just, no…
We all think the same. We are geared by the unfettered magnetism that we all experience in any type of -new relationship so to speak. You know- the honeymoon stage, the infatuation stage, the what I like to call… “I don’t want to punch you in the throat, yet.” phase.
We all are human being. When something happens that is upsetting– we react within a certain emotion. We ride that wave and sometimes we get carried out to sea on it.
With me !? Okay !!
I have recently found myself, in lieu of a lot of tumultuous up’s and down’s with my current long time boyfriend, creeping his Facebook. Which would be totally normal, if we were Facebook friends.
annnnd; let me explain.
We decided almost a year ago that Facebook, was just a relationship no-no for the both of us. More or less him, because he thinks a ‘like’ means I have done something unspeakable to or with another mans penis. Dysfunctional– I know.
Me– I didn’t want to see what he was saying, or doing. And the incessant male driven sexual desire of ‘tattooed half naked red headed women with big nice voluptuous asses’ showing up in my news feed left and right, exposing his wandering eye- was starting to piss me off… and make me feel like he would not hesitate to look elsewhere… in real time… I am not a tattooed, half naked ever, red head with a big nice voluptuous ass. So I have some insecurities, please by all means.. if you don’t harbor any yourselves– exit the fucking post now.
Say what you will– that shit is annoying, and could make any girl feel less adequate. Kind of like our reasoning for being ‘offended’ when men watch porn. We all know you watch it because lets be honest– we are not going to let you wrap us in saran wrap and electrocute our clit with a cattle prod- while some buxom blonde tries to pee on our leg through her panties while screaming out in Russian, while you’re knee deep in a 5 foot 6 blonde named Isis, with giant boobs, flawless nipples and a vagina that looks like it was sketched by Michelangelo.
So, I have been creeping. I have my suspicions. I have my little seeds, that have been watered, fed, and in full bloom over the years.
And I must say.. I have almost but convinced that little voice in my head, that there is something to be seen.
So I creep his Facebook, unbeknownst to him.
Until I find something.
And I need to confront him.
And bust myself out, for my childish teenage actions.
WHATEVER.
I have found stuff that is really nothing huge, but its the fact that he isn’t honest about it. For instance, this girl has been texting him, and he has it set to his spam messages. (if you know what this feature is on your android phone, you are either hiding something or someone, or you have a psycho ex that wouldn’t let up on the happy finger with all their “I love you- you sonofa..” texts.) I mean literally– it is Facebook, and I find myself starting at it, back and forth, up and down. More recent posts. Past posts, photo comments.. You would think I was decoding the fucking Mahabharata… but okay, no,seriously.
‘Oh, who is this?…’
‘Ooooh she likes all his pictures’
‘all of them.’
‘except the ones with me in it.. ‘
‘hmmmm’
‘Oh really bitch.’
Now do I say anything, or am I crazy-
Yes a little crazy, I think maybe self confidence impaired.
Maybe this is why he has refused to entertain the idea of becoming facebook friends again.
Maybe that is why there is a passcode on his cell phone.
Or perhaps that is why he takes the god forsaken electronic with him should he remove himself from the general vicinity for more than a few brief seconds…
I mean for the love of everything holy. If I at all questioned myself as being the only one.. let me reassure you.. should you be feeling the same bouts of insanity… someone made this…
….. legit by the first 30 seconds… I did not know if I should jump off a cliff.. or subscribe..
Crazy is shaving his head while he sleeps, or putting Viagra in his coffee
knowing he has a 9 am meeting
Or dropping Visine in his morning drink, before his day at the office…
knowing he will hit morning traffic…and have a long, long, long, wait til he can get to the bathroom.
But I would most likely end up on the shitty end of that–
LITERALLY.
Because I do the damn laundry.
HARD PASS
…….muahahahahah….
just kidding, I have never… but I mean, that did manifest in my head somewhere..
so I mean…
YEAH.
Anyways, I try to keep it 100 % honest.
ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH
IF YOU HAVE TO DELETE IT, ITS WRONG
IF YOU CAN’T SAY IT, OR LOOK AT IT IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER, WELL.. YOU KNOW.
DON’T REPLY BACK TO A FB MESSAGE FROM SOMEONE AT 2 AM..
I mean I would not do it to him, so it is okay for him to do to me.
Not necessarily. Most of the time it is innocent, and I am not saying I have not put myself in a more than compromising situation, which I thought was harmless…until he sent a picture of his ‘junk’ over as an attempt to seal the deal.. okay.. and do not act like I am the only one. We are human like I said.
Anyways- I am getting off topic here.
The point is, we all can be a little crazy. love makes you do some really stupid shit.
It makes us think things, or over think them.
But I think the problem really lies with in ourselves. If we are doing things, behind one anothers back. That cannot be love. At that point it is a love gone bad… and all the crazy makes it harder to work through.
I just have been driven by my own insecurities and his past mistakes.
And the social media world makes it so unbelievably easy to do something that could ultimately ruin a relationship you have in real life. Social media has made it so easy to pretend, and get caught up, and wander, and explore, and see. Seeing is one of most stimulating things for the mind. Visual stimulants can release a plethora of emotions, or sexual desires, or anger, sadness, empathy, apathy.
It makes me wonder the statistic of man to woman ratio who get caught up in cheating via the intra-web.
This article touches more on the effects on men verses woman. Which is unfortunately or not unfortunate I am not sure, men are more visually stimulated by sexual ‘photos’ or ‘videos’ than women. Ha ! Go figure. Lol.
Relationships really can be tested, to a limit that we may or may not know how to deal with… let alone process.
I think we can all let things make us a little crazy– especially when it comes to our incessant obsession with, the internet, and everything being one click way.
So now I am pegged with the question, if I am questioning enough, to ‘inspect’ his Facebook to get dirt.. am I crazy or am I letting things get the best of my own confidence, or trust in my significant other?
I feel like I am not the only one. I feel like I am not only the only one playing Carmen San Diego on the internet waves… But its when you keep looking for something that may or may not be there, that maybe our own self conscious plays tricks on us… maybe we are crazy enough, to turn one thing, that is nothing, into a something. Which turns into an argument, a volley of ‘you did this, I did that..’
It all plays into the human Psyche.. the human mind is a beautiful thing.
But it can be dark. It can be cold.
And fuck, it can be crazy.
So aren’t we all just a little crazy when it comes down to it ?
It is what I feel somewhat natural to have doubts, and second thoughts about what is or isn’t the truth.
Also do not get me wrong I don’t go into things with the mindset that all men are liars. And this will be like every other guy that has betrayed my trust.. But I have had my fair share of assholes.. and narcissistic, pathological liars,that have legitimately tried to convince me that his grey shirt was in fact blue… but that is here nor there.
I have a reset button. When something bad happens to me.. which it has, I try wholeheartedly to go into it with a clean slate. When you carry your bullshit from another relationship into a new relationship– you are bound to fall flat on your face. You are bound to destroy any chance of building trust and continuing to build off that trust into something of a solid, secure foundation.
I try to give benefit of the doubt. And it has come back to bite me in the ass more times than I would like to count.. but you can’t know for sure until you actually know for sure. However– if in these cases you are the other woman, or his or even; your own past relationships have ended due to a lack of trust, or infidelity.. you are asking for trouble.
As quoted by the late Albert Einstein…
“The definition of insanity
is doing the same thing over and over again,
and expecting a different result.”
So that would be a poor judgment call upon ones self… and that leaves no one left to blame.. but you.
When it comes down to it we can be very wet behind the ears, bewildered creatures. When something is not broken, learn not to break it. I believe all in all that really inhibits the entire process of learning to believe in things that we cannot see… or things that have not been said- so to speak…
We may feel daunted in the entirety of it all. Which in turn can indeed make someone act a little crazy. But it is all about putting the pieces together. If they don’t fit, they don’t fit.
I think I probably helped myself out more than I helped any one else here… but hey.
So next time you are feeling crazy about something.. anything.. not even in relation to relationships.. take a step back.. and ask yourself what is the maddening factor. Maybe if we took the time to work it out on our own.. we would all be a little less crazy…
So- what do you do with a brokenness?! Something that just aches inside of you for ever; until one day it just gets easier. Eventually it all becomes weightless and the only time it ever crosses your mind; is probably standing in front of the person.
So what do you do in the meantime- while you move forward in pain. The world doesnt stop, the world does not care. The world does not feel you’re heart breaking. The sounds of silence are all in your head. The resistance of being left is the water in your your ocean. Timely and elegant, it dances across your vanquishment.
all the while you feel;
hollow.
all the while you hear;
naught.
time slows down in front of your eyes.
and the only thing you can do, is bury the memory. Hang it up to be forgotten behind a tired door. Leave it lay. Let it be. Because to elucidate it; is like retching.
What am I even getting at. Where is this going. What am i trying to make with this transmission.
I guess where I stand right now– is in the midst of one broken relationship, the wake of it ending. The lowly feeling of abandonment. No one enjoys feeling alone. Feeling transparent in the middle of a heavy room. Even so– when you deny yourself to feel yourself feeling the anguish of heartbreak, or solace. It defines you-
It takes away from who and what you are. Thinking about lyrics in a song, that are kissed with a seriously beautiful instrument. It peels your chest wide open and languishes the very existence of ones self. I have been known to really swim in my hearts misfortune. Maybe I am someone who enjoys the dreary side of my lost loves. Maybe I am someone who cannot find enough in the moment.. to make someone want to stay. Maybe I have to drown myself in something. Let it be the moments in pain.
I am standing at the end the line.
I am looking at him, and his gaze is back at me.
I wondered a lot of nights how this would go.
Would I lose myself.. would he even know.
I memorized his mouth from the time he first kissed me.
I thought I would always remember how that felt.
I remembered it vaguely.
But i remember the sound of my heart shattering the most.
I reveled in the silence that filled up my days.
I was somber most days.
I thought I would remember.. but maybe I was just trying to hold on to what was copacetic. Instead of swallowing the real issue. That he really was just a heartless, awful, thoughtless..asshole. And he is. He will tell me himself. Atleast that is what he will say to adhere his apology. This will be the hardest part. But Im going to the start.
wild soul wanderings 