swollenlungs

Plunge my hands into this water
It aches cold inside my bones.
I etch this sullen memory into
The creases in my sleeves.
I stare at my reflection
Try to figure out what’s so wrong with me.
I speak these words that turn to stone in spite of me.
All these dreams swirling in my eyes.
I had a plan before you came here
I was broken unraveled
June pierces into my skin
I watch the holes pool with blood
I exhale but I can’t breathe.
I clench my fists filled with fury.
Knew deep in snow
Textiles on my sweater
Secrets that you keep from me.
You speak in tongues
I can’t read between your spaces
You make excuses for yourself.
It’s something to behold.
You set my wings on fire..
And then let go of me.
I sink into this water
A galaxy of stars
It’s cold shatters through me
Burning arrows
Flaming spears.
Be still my heart.
Center in the lines.
Why didn’t we work it out.
Why did you just give up on me?
Why did you come into my life
Like a million rays of sun gentle on my cheek..
Why did you shake up my sea.
You colored me wonderful
Like a child playing in the spring
You grew a garden in my heart
Then you didn’t stay to tend the seeds
You came here with a fervor ..
Then you were silence in the darkness..
I plunge my heart into this water.
And cold aches inside my bones.
I wish that you weren’t broken..
I still carry that you see
And I’m trying to be better ..
With what I have left of me..

…

Listen to me shouting.
Can’t you hear the breaking sounds.
There’s a clatter in the matter
Something tears inside of me.
Don’t you get that I was broken
When you found me.
You fore sake me for my giving heart.
Then you leave me to my dreams.
Haunting memories ..
I used to feel so free
The way you used to laugh with me.
But I can feel that hole burning in my chest..
I can feel the song slowly dying off.
Your voice echoes through parts of me.
I can’t stop my heart from beating.
I cannot tie up the moon.
I won’t extinguish stars
I can’t stay out from underneath the sun.
I will not stand for nothing
Or I will break slowly in the dark.
And does it even matter that I’m caught in the between?
I’m afraid of what you used to be to me..
It all got away from me.
Drowning like sand into the sea.
Pull me back to hold me under …
You leave your heart on my memory.
I fought until my fists were bloody
Until the bone had punctured skin.
I have burns from touching you..
The scars that carry you and me.
I don’t recognize you much these days
I can’t remember who we used to be..
I hide behind this bitter veil
Cover me with thorns of ember
Why do you love to leave me..
It’s just a part of my memory.
Leave your heart on my memory..

Small things.

Your words collide with my heart.
Slam into my shins like a swell.
I stand here bleeding.
And spend my time on everybody else.
I sit here soaking in apology..
I am sorry for myself.
Foolish disposition..
Not ready for the change.
Everything is shifting.
All the small things.
Like the flecks inside your eye..
The coarseness of your hair between my fingertips.
Maybe it was something
That was never good enough
You play the victim in your own murder…
As if you’ve been wronged in vein.
And it’s all the small things
That gather at my feet..
You’re shallow like the puddles
From a soft echoing rain.
I knew you would..
But I can’t shape the madness
I can’t color in your lines.
All these small things..
They gather around me.
Like when I need your solace
And you cast silence over me.
Beg for understanding
But I’m drowning in between.
Aloof and slowly distanced
You walked out on me.
I pick up the pieces …
And I collect what’s left of me.
And all these small things.
Have forsaken me.
I was sorry love
I was sorry for loving you.
For breaking my own heart
While you hold it as it bleeds
All these small things..
Have gotten much too big for me..
And now all these small things
Have made it too dark for me to see.
All the small things
The words you lay on me.
The excuses that you believe
All these small things..
Have destroyed you and me.

sexdiscretion

You’ve made love to me.
Inside and my outs.
You’ve had me coming for your love.
I almost swallowed my mouth.
The way you do it baby.
You’re like heroin to me.
Fill me up and hold me..
Keep my chest in blush.
I can’t feel my fingers
There’s a numbing in my toes.
You got me down to a science love.
Break me where I stand
Look at me on my knees
Baby You’re so glam.
Sip from me like sugar
Candy in your palm…
It’s so easy baby trace your heat across my collarbone …
Feel me in my entirety
I want all of you in whole.
Easy …
Slow.
Please don’t stop there baby…
I’m about to go.
Hold me up on my two legs
I tremble in my throat.
Don’t pull out … Your heart from underneath me.
Dip into my river
Drink me like a cup.
You make me swell with ecstasy ..
I’m slow working lose control.
You make love to me.
Your tongue traces my lines.
Feel the swirling for you…
In between my thighs.
Forget the morning coming
I’m
Coming
Here and now.
Baby don’t you let me…
Slowly bring me down.
Cascade into my shallows
Our faces cheek to brow.
Sweat all over my bosom…
Take me as I am …
Bring me up baby.
Now slowly let me down ..

Traveling hearts

Today you board a plane to home.
And I’m trekking down I-4.
I find comfort in the simple things
Like the irony in life.
Like you are California kissed
And I’m in a winter wonderland ..
I couldn’t get close to you..
So I got as far away as I could find.
I don’t see the reason
We keep doing what we’ve done.
You have a place in my heart..
But I can’t quite find my place in yours ..
I knew we were falling..
But that didn’t stop us from running
I knew we may not survive it..
But that didn’t keep us away from fire.
I look up in the pillow of the clouds
Maybe you are mid flight.
And maybe as I look up
You are looking down.
Thinking the same things
I am thinking too…
Maybe you’ll come home for good
And I’ll be gone by then ..
Maybe that’s the way it plays out
Maybe that’s all we could ever give.
But you call home to California
But me I’m packing up for south
And maybe that’s the outcome
Maybe that’s something I will always doubt…
But I can’t say I didn’t love you
I can’t say that smoking cigarettes
Over cold cups of coffee in my hands..
At least I loved you loudly
Instead of being silent in my mind..
I knew I was falling …
But that didn’t stop me from trying
That didn’t keep me from myself

Running from life…

As my trip here in Florida comes to an end. I sit here looking out the window with this melancholy feeling slowly seeping through my body. Starting at my neck … And then slowly pooling into my shoulders soaking up in my chest.. Filling down my arm.. And sleepily creeping into my grounding chakra … Down steadily hammering into my legs. And as I look out the window at the same blue sky – that is blue in Colorado or Wisconsin or California or Hawaii.. Or Thailand … I realize the only constant – the only thing that is different is the thought.. Of being somewhere new or different scenery.. It doesn’t change me it doesn’t change how I feel or what I am going through or what I am experiencing.. I can’t run away from my life falling apart it doesn’t matter where you are – if something falls apart .. Whether you choose to stay there or go else where … You will still need to pick it up – sew up the holes … Work at making it work again … Work at fixing … Work at putting it back together … Nothing changes … Nothing ever really does stay the same tho- funny irony isn’t it … And we stay and we settle and we accept – and then we wonder why things remain one way when we want for It to so much be another … And all we have to do is break the constant … All we have to do is consciously be aware that if we walk the same path to work everyday … We shop the same stores or wear the same clothes or eat the same foods.. We never allow change or chance to play a role …

So as I sit here staring out this window – thinking about the things I have to go home to – they are no different than what I am dealing with right now…just in a different place in a different setting … I am the only constant … And unless I allow myself to embrace change or the chance of making a different decision that will allow my life to be any different … Nothing will change… We all stay the same.. And things will remain unchanged and redundant.

Even here as I stare up through that blue sky. The sky will be blue no matter where you go… You just have to allow yourself to see it that way …

Mehhhhhhh so blocked

When will I admit that I’ve been foolish.
And when will you just throw up your white flag.
All these memories singed by our fire.
When were good were good.
But baby our hearts have grown too heavy.
To carry.. To keep face.
And darling we’ve got it ..
We had something much like beautiful.
But I can’t force your square into my circle..
I can’t part the ocean tides.
Or change the lines inside your hands..
I’m foolish and you knew this.
My temptations your false prison.
You can’t forgive your shortcomings
I can’t paint you colorful enough ..
You think id of learned by now..
That a heart cant take this much
And all this noise so silent
Were breaking all out parts
My memory retains us..
While your vibrations shake me to my core..
And yet it’s foolish to let you hold my heart here on this string.
I knew that you would do this..
I didn’t want to say you did ..
My sweatshirt smells like cigarettes
My breath so cool..
And darling if I said it ..
I couldn’t swim inside your world..
You were never going to stay here
You only gave me half your love…
And darling it was foolish …
All of my expectations..
But I’m not fully to blame…
And I can’t escape it ..
I take it for what it is.
Darling I’m so foolish to drink your feelings..
Let you stay here like I did ..
I can’t say that I’m sorry..
Even though we know I am..
And darling you’ve got it..
My world inside your hands..
And darling I got it..
I see where I stand

No title. Rough edit.

Milky incandescence
Flow softly on my olive skin.
Parting flesh of two bodies
My fingers laced through his.
Unadulterated pardon..
My breast lay bare.
He takes his fill of me.
Nothing more is left for fare.
Night calls through his darkness..
I run my fingers through his hair..
I can’t control my heartbeats ..
I’m cast by spell under his stare.
And he knows when he comes here..
I will give myself to him.
My sullen heart is broken..
He’s the piece that cuts my skin.
Shattered town and broken
I want so much to keep him coming back..
But so much my heart is lacking.
He will be gone before the dawn.
He burns me up like atmosphere
He plays me like a chord
He knows that for me he’s my only..
He knows but yet not spared
He drinks me like a fine wine.
I give him quench to thirst
I wish I could forgive myself
Instead of lay covered by earth.
Inside I am a woman ..
Giving love for wrong exchange
And no matter how I beg him..
Each time he leaves .. It cuts me like a blade.
I don’t want sympathy –
For I do this to myself.
But somewhere in his madness ..
I see my own reflection in his face..
And one day when my spirit stirs
And I see the damage that’s been done..
I will become the softest shadow.
I will turn to leave..
But for now my heart resides here..
In the silence that he keeps.

Wild warrior woman.

Her heart stained with bloodshed
Her shallow indiscretion
Shadows billow like black smoke
A warrior woman
A lifetime – no revoke
Somber in her footsteps
Roaring as she stands
Her arms bare all her scars
She digs her toes into the sand
Her eyes look like days of sleeplessness
Worry on her brow.
Her convictions weighing heady
Her fingers lace to crown
She carry on her shoulders
The heart cry sorrows.
She not dare to leave behind.
A sullen disposition
You will never see her cry.
She evokes the strength
Of an army of the Gods.
She will draw her blade to neck..
Should you threaten to draw yours.
Wild wicked woman
Waver not to wonder far to pass
You see her before you.
Warrior woman.
Her shell cast of iron..
Was once made out of glass
She will envelope you like fire
Hot a heady to her breast
She will feed in you a hunger.
The richest of man could not attest.
Somber silent sister
A shield of brazen steel.
For no man again she’ll wander
For not another she will feel.
She will offer to quench a thirst in you.
See to it you sleep sound.
Anger her and hear her roar
A wild woman hearth and shroud.
She know the bitter taste of grievance
As she sweat it from her skin
Not a single man whom cross her..
Will live to say he did.
Her course ebony hair saddle soft against her chin ..
She look gilded by sunshine
As she lay by fire, flicker flame.
Wild wicked woman
Never allow herself the blame ..
She drag her weapon lowly
You never hear her there.
Her spirit shielded by the whitest of lights..
And you can never see her there..
Wild wicked warrior woman
Should she come close to sense pain…
She takes to flight like gracious bird..
A moth to flame..
Wild warrior woman
It be her given right..
Wild warrior woman ..
A feline of the night.

I know that you don’t mind …

I know that you don’t mind it…
When my eyes are pale and true.
I know that you don’t mind
When my hair fills with waves against my shoulder blades …
I know that you don’t mind it
When I cry sometimes at night..
When my feelings get to heavy
And I’m carrying the weight.
I know that you don’t mind it
When I lay across the entire bed and steal your pillows from out beneath your head.
I know that you don’t mind it
When I’ve had to much to drink..
And I can barely make it past the kitchen sink …
I know that you don’t mind it…
Because these are parts of me ..
And I know that you don’t mind when I keep playing the same songs..
I know that you don’t mind it..
Because this is part of me..
Or how I leave the laundry unfolded in the basket by the bed..
Or leave my shoes in front of the door.. Not to the side instead..
I know that you don’t mind
When I laugh so hard I can’t catch my breath.
And I know that you don’t mind it
When somedays I’m not my best..

And I know that I get heavy and I say too many things without a thought.
I know that you don’t mind me ..
Because my love can’t count a cost.

And for the floors and windowsills
The snow across the pavement ..
The coffee stained countertops ..
Toothpaste in the sink..
I know that you don’t mind it
Because I remind you of home ..
And if everything we have ever done
has led us to be wrong
I know that you don’t mind it..
Because I’ll always sing to you your favorite songs.
I will always lay your clothes neatly in a drawer..
And I will move my shoes to the side for you.. So your path will be cleared …
I will always share the pillows
And rub your head until you sleep..
And …
I know that you don’t mind it..
Because these are parts of me..
And I’m so grateful that you love me
For the Chaotic swell that I can be ..

I know that you don’t mind it
Because these are the parts of me …