It’s a fucking party

I smoke too many cigarettes
I drink until you’re gone
Slosh my toes around
I’m at the bottom of the flask
My heart is fucking broken
And I’m still as pretty as can be
I cry into the silence
Dance around your veins like heroin
Push your finger to the button
Cracks inside your glass
I’m dying in the darkness
A party for my demons
Everybody’s here
Come sway with me
Drag your nails down my skin
Make me bleed for real this time
Don’t leave me with an empty gun
I’m swirling in this sadness
Depressions my best friend
Lipstick smeared on your oxford
I leave a mess of me
I’m just living baby
And I’m living just for you
I’m just your prodigy
Look what you have done.
Spilling whiskey on the sofa
Blood soaked in on the carpet
Lay me down in satin
Bind me in your chains
I’m a lonely baby and I came for this
Swallow me like poison
Can you feel me flowing through your veins.
Just once more for fun
This is why you came here
Don’t leave me til I’m done
I’m sloppy with apologies
As I lay here on this floor
I can’t cut much deeper
Not what it was for
I’ll just sleep it off love
Keep your smell inside of me
We are all about our glory
Doesn’t matter what we’ve done
I’m fucking it all up again
And it’s so perfect for me
We all know what I’m really like.
We smoke too many cigarettes
And we get drunk to fuck
But no one gives a damn..
Because it’s all that we have got.

state road seventy three

where do we start love

where do we go

were hanging by the blackchords

our feet buried in the snow

summer came and went

it took you goodbye with the wind.

and a lonely breeze is nothing but a memory

i am serving drinks for extra pennies

so i can come to you

i have been saving all my energy

so i can send it out to you.

drink up baby down. 

bartender another round

its like i never knew you

cant remember the colors of your eyes.

splashing in the puddles 

left from all the tears

i am standing on the front porch

counting troubles from the year

you were my april flowers 

you wore your skinny jeans

the whole drive to the north woods

my heart beat so loud

you were floating in my bloodstream

see your face in every cloud

part of me wished we never got off state road 73

we should of just stayed in drive

i would of ran away to neverland 

jumped down into the rabbit hole.

ill make no exception 

ill go where ever you will be.

sometimes i think im crazy 

that i can love you so much..

i will stay if you ask me too

i will go if that is what you need..

but youll always be my summer off of state road 73

GO OUT AND SMILE!!!!!!

Do you ever find yourself so engulfed in a moment of pure happiness. 

Like a transient state!? Where literally you couldn’t force the smile off your face to save your life.

When you can feel the rush of excitement and chemicals throbbing in your chest..

rushing down from your face into your shoulders..

down into your fingertips..

through your legs to your toes..

— that skip in your heart rhythm.

Where you can actually feel that moment of space between the oxygen you take in and the slow hiccup in between the catch and release.. where you literally feel the air escape your lungs. 

have you ever caught yourself standing there.. with your head back and faced towards a warm blue sky.

the sun blankets over your entirety and you just close your eyes and exist there.

you just be.

you just are

you just feel.

you just center

weightless and heavy all at once.

where you can feel that slow tingle forming underneath your knee caps.

and nothing in the world could shake you from your high.

a gentle warm breeze — that covers you 

you can feel the stinging behind your eyes

and tears squeeze their way out and stream down your face.

you can feel all of the sadness and anger

melt away — releasing into the open…

letting it all go

blue skies spilling with sunshine.

warm golden waves cascading over everything around you…

 

 

have you ever been on the back seat of a motorcycle…

and put your arms out into the moving air.

closed your eyes and tipped your head back…

 

that rush .. that moment..

i feel like i am flying.

like i am completely free in that moment

and i smile..

inside..

outside..

everywhere.

the hair on my body stands erect on end.

i cant help but laugh at a moment like that..

not because it is comical..

but because moments like that..

are once in a lifetime.

they are electric 

they are profound.

riveting.

soul-shaking.

moments like that where you forget about your awful job.

or the bills on the kitchen table.

or that boyfriend who broke your heart.

or the fact that you cant lose that extra ten lbs.

those moments- can change your tiny perspective.

it can elevate you to a place of sublime joy.

where we forget we are human.

in that moment we feel charged by drama.

we feel dynamic.

against the world..

strong and beautiful 

and explosive with abundant ecstasy  —

releasing nothing but a positive reaction-

expelling pure intoxicating happiness into the universe.

spinning around in circles with your arms out

sometimes reminds me of being a child.

careless, carefree, full of wonderment, and excitement, and innocence.

no boundaries, no rules, no concept of reality–

nothing to make you feel weighted down..

just simplicity in everything around you.

unadulterated magic.

 

go out side spin around in circles with your arms out… put headphones on. (try this song* above and beyond- blue sky action) 

Now spin around– look up … be thankful.

feel the air filling in your lungs. take some deep breaths.

feel the rush– the silliness in the notion..

standing there. looking at the world. 

the life around you.

everything breathing everything in existence …

burn up into the atmosphere…

laugh if you want to..

cry..

smile…

scream…

sing..

 

just do it.

 

get the positive flowing 

feel the fluidity as it occupies all your space.

 

dont forget to feel in life. dont forget that when you project negative.. or embrace negative.. or think negative.. or live in the negative..

you suffocate the room for the positive to manifest.. to grow and spread.

on your way down

look at me… jump to conclusions.

look at me… fill up with worry.

look at you… running to hide.

look at you…making excuses.

what would the words be if the silence could be heard.

what would the signs point to if we could see them again

was there something i missed

was there something i said.

im looking for that moment when i lost you …

im searching for the moment that seemed out of time.

i just want to lay down on this floor

i want to cry so hard

til i cant breathe anymore.

this pain sits so heavy

a culmination of them all.

men who came before you..

the ones who left me behind..

the ones who played me out like a fool..

the ones who broke my heart into pieces..

and then left me to die..

missed apologies..

serrated edges of me.

filling up with apathy

suffocated by empathy.

look at me..jump to conclusions.

look at you.. no where to be found..

what would it sound like if you said it out loud..

i know it will sound like–

i dont want to hear..

it will sound like a heart break…

it will be a hollow goodbye.

it took me two weeks..

to memorize your face..

but who knows how long it will take to erase.

hold to keep

damn you.

for letting me drown in your silence.

for lighting a fire inside of me

that you didnt have the time to keep

in my weeping hours.

in the minutes of these days

the slow swirling feeling 

of question that occupies my space.

damn you 

for lifting me off the ground

and giving me wings to fly

damn you for leaving me

california has you now

and i just sit under the midwestern sky

and think of you out there

this great big love is only in my head

welcome the distraction

nothing comes to pass

damn you for holding my heart so tight

that i cant get it back.

no time to react.

id be remiss to say it doesnt hurt

its a slow untimely ache

premature in my disdain 

i wish i could get through to you

bitter in the wake.

of a love gone cold..

i wish i would of told you

before the space filled up the cracks

i fear my dear im losing you

and youre not coming back..

 

this is what it feels like

you cant just come here.

shake things up

and leave the mess

you cant just walk away from me

my heart bleeding in my chest

twist the knife a little deeper please

take this hole right out of me

the least you could do 

was say something 

say anything to me

talk about the weather

or how youre fucked up in your head

but you cant just come here

like a bullet to the head.

i dont want your blood on my hands

i dont want that burden-please

you must not have your shit together

cause you are merciless on your knees

can you stand here

can you breathe

do you even know 

who the fuck you are 

or what youve done to me

you cant just come here

and leave things in disarray

id say it was a pleasure

but we both know its malaise 

i dont want your fucking reasons

your excuses 

your case in point

i dont give a fuck about the hurts

or what you thought you should have done

you cant just come here

and leave your bullshit on my floor

take your fucking memories

black them out and set them on fire

fuck everything you say you stand for

youre the same as you were before

you cant just come here 

and take what you need

you are not entitled

let me get up on my feet

stand there in the doorway

and cry about mistakes youve made

tell me that youre sorry

causeing pain you didnt mean

all the words you speak to me

you cant just come here.

and sing to me a song 

to make love where there was none

you cant just come here

spilling blood tripping on your feet

you cant just come here

and have whats left of me

so take your vapid apologies

look what you have done.

you cant just come here

and wretch my heart from me.

 

 

 

face to east

im gunna cut the ties

im gunna feel this pain

im gunna walk away from this

before my heart expires

im gunna let you fly away

im gunna let it all fade

im gunna give myself the space

before my time runs out

im gunna give you what you need 

im gunna let you have your silence

im gunna leave before im left

before it all comes undone

im gunna turn my face to east

im gunna look away from this

im gunna let it all break

before i cant make this choice 

im gunna leave you because i love you

im gunna give you what you show

im gunna walk alone

before i dont know how to go

 

sunfive.

its the wrong time

with somebody new

and i gave you so much of my light

even though i was in the dark

suffocating.

thinking of you.

im accused of a crime..

that i didnt do.

all i did was let you see me

when my world fell apart

and if you couldnt stand with me

if you couldnt be there

then why did you love me

then why do you care

the days get longer

the less; i hear from you

i wait by the phone

i listen for you

but maybe its silly

and i am a fool.

i just need you to tell me

that its all okay

that i am not crazy

that youre not gone away

i just need to hear it

come from your mouth

please just say anything..

2200 miles removed

i cant read the expression on your face

or see the fear in your eyes.

youre breaking my heart love..

i beg of you

---

 

in silence

---

 

i stand here

---

 

in light

---

 

i am blind

---

 

im scared to ask you

if its not what i want to hear

i dont know if im ready

to die where we sleep

to drown in the love

that we swam in so deep

you think that its different

you think its alright

and then it all comes undone

and you break through the night

im not going to ask you

or break my own heart

let myself unravel..

i am not going to do this

not with them

not with you

and what makes you different

is what makes you the same

if you have to say it

you want me to know

you were my best friend

now i dont know how to speak to you

a lump in my throat

at least my heart was open..

i know ive fucked it up sometimes

you drew the lines

but atleast my heart was open..

your own world devastated by you

pity yourself..when you have the time

take yourself home.

im not going to wait here

hanging on your line

 

Night sky

I can’t stay in one place.
I can’t remember before
It was just an empty space
Clenching to my grip
Slowly drowning in the sounds
I’m not sure if I’m breathing.
I can’t hear my thoughts
All I needed was a hand
To pull me through..
All I needed was the moment

Not a love poem

I sat there in my car staring at the rain
Out the window.
A funny feeling wretched inside of me.
Coiling in my thoughts like venom in my veins.
I can’t do the silence I can’t let you bind my hands.
And so maybe I’ll just think here
Driving myself insane
And so maybe I can’t think of it
Sitting here alone.
Unwrap myself from inside of you.
So maybe I am floating in the shadow
I can feel it coming up
Such a rage burning deep inside
Counting on these seconds
I can feel it start to die
I can’t count on these moments
Til you say it
Til you leave me standing high.
When will it get better
When does it ever start to fade
It’s the same old tired bullshit
And I can’t turn the page

Someone fucking tell me
How I can get it all so wrong
Someone fucking say it…
What I’ve been blind to all along

Take it back and draw the blinds
I want to crawl into a hole
And let the world go on
I can’t quite seem to shake it
The feeling like a drug
So hit me with that needle
I’m gunna need to feel that high
Swallow me with vengeance
Don’t let me out half alive

If you’re going to fucking do this
How bout we do it right
The room has grown so tired
The smell of shame heavy on my skin
And should I lie and say I knew it
But it never crossed my mind.
Let’s just be honest and say it
This wasnt just a leg to stand on
Another weakened crutch
I’m begging for my life here
I hold it like a crux
Only in my shadows do I feel the Fear fill up inside of me
Only in my shadows can I strip down from all the things that weigh heavy on my soul.
Talk is cheap now baby and I can’t pay you for this hit

So if you’re gunna kill me
Im going down in vein
But I never saw it coming…
Though we should of all the same.