burningmemories//papertragedies

i have burned your face into my memory like a swollen house.

i have forced myself to color with the shades inside your eyes.

cut out the paper tragedies that i hang up in my room

i feel like ive created a fantasy …

to escape the ghosts of you.

i have etched your splendor in to the covers of my books.

i have woven your tongue lashings into my heart strings.

folded  origami, paper cranes, lets build a house.

when i close my eyes i can see how much that i have lost.

oil paintings, colors running down the walls.

you never planned to stay..

you were never really here at all.

and i dont want to look away..

put my heart back on this shelf.

all i have left is the beating chorus that echoes in my chest.

your eyes staring back at me from a photograph

your sadness seeps out of your veins

i can see it written on your face.

i have retraced all of our memories.

i have built the walls with sand in side my room..

so that if one day you return to me..

you can still knock them down..

but for now my bitter apologies..

i tell you what you want to hear…

its all in vein…

the saddest part about this..

is that i thought you were my friend…

and now you are jagged..

and i am jaded in the end..

you are like a phantom

memories fading from my head..

and i never thought id have to hold back

from the things we always said..

 

 

sunfive.

its the wrong time

with somebody new

and i gave you so much of my light

even though i was in the dark

suffocating.

thinking of you.

im accused of a crime..

that i didnt do.

all i did was let you see me

when my world fell apart

and if you couldnt stand with me

if you couldnt be there

then why did you love me

then why do you care

the days get longer

the less; i hear from you

i wait by the phone

i listen for you

but maybe its silly

and i am a fool.

i just need you to tell me

that its all okay

that i am not crazy

that youre not gone away

i just need to hear it

come from your mouth

please just say anything..

2200 miles removed

i cant read the expression on your face

or see the fear in your eyes.

youre breaking my heart love..

i beg of you

---

 

in silence

---

 

i stand here

---

 

in light

---

 

i am blind

---

 

im scared to ask you

if its not what i want to hear

i dont know if im ready

to die where we sleep

to drown in the love

that we swam in so deep

you think that its different

you think its alright

and then it all comes undone

and you break through the night

im not going to ask you

or break my own heart

let myself unravel..

i am not going to do this

not with them

not with you

and what makes you different

is what makes you the same

if you have to say it

you want me to know

you were my best friend

now i dont know how to speak to you

a lump in my throat

at least my heart was open..

i know ive fucked it up sometimes

you drew the lines

but atleast my heart was open..

your own world devastated by you

pity yourself..when you have the time

take yourself home.

im not going to wait here

hanging on your line

 

Night sky

I can’t stay in one place.
I can’t remember before
It was just an empty space
Clenching to my grip
Slowly drowning in the sounds
I’m not sure if I’m breathing.
I can’t hear my thoughts
All I needed was a hand
To pull me through..
All I needed was the moment

Not a love poem

I sat there in my car staring at the rain
Out the window.
A funny feeling wretched inside of me.
Coiling in my thoughts like venom in my veins.
I can’t do the silence I can’t let you bind my hands.
And so maybe I’ll just think here
Driving myself insane
And so maybe I can’t think of it
Sitting here alone.
Unwrap myself from inside of you.
So maybe I am floating in the shadow
I can feel it coming up
Such a rage burning deep inside
Counting on these seconds
I can feel it start to die
I can’t count on these moments
Til you say it
Til you leave me standing high.
When will it get better
When does it ever start to fade
It’s the same old tired bullshit
And I can’t turn the page

Someone fucking tell me
How I can get it all so wrong
Someone fucking say it…
What I’ve been blind to all along

Take it back and draw the blinds
I want to crawl into a hole
And let the world go on
I can’t quite seem to shake it
The feeling like a drug
So hit me with that needle
I’m gunna need to feel that high
Swallow me with vengeance
Don’t let me out half alive

If you’re going to fucking do this
How bout we do it right
The room has grown so tired
The smell of shame heavy on my skin
And should I lie and say I knew it
But it never crossed my mind.
Let’s just be honest and say it
This wasnt just a leg to stand on
Another weakened crutch
I’m begging for my life here
I hold it like a crux
Only in my shadows do I feel the Fear fill up inside of me
Only in my shadows can I strip down from all the things that weigh heavy on my soul.
Talk is cheap now baby and I can’t pay you for this hit

So if you’re gunna kill me
Im going down in vein
But I never saw it coming…
Though we should of all the same.

Retaining Order.

So- what do you do with a brokenness?! Something that just aches inside of you for ever; until one day it just gets easier. Eventually it all becomes weightless and the only time it ever crosses your mind; is probably standing in front of the person.

So what do you do in the meantime- while you move forward in pain. The world doesnt stop, the world does not care. The world does not feel you’re heart breaking. The sounds of silence are all in your head. The resistance of being left is the water in your your ocean. Timely and elegant, it dances across your vanquishment.

all the while you feel;

hollow.

all the while you hear;

naught.

time slows down in front of your eyes.

and the only thing you can do, is bury the memory. Hang it up to be forgotten behind a tired door. Leave it lay. Let it be. Because to elucidate it; is like retching.

What am I even getting at. Where is this going. What am i trying to make with this transmission.

 

I guess where I stand right now– is in the midst of one broken relationship, the wake of it ending. The lowly feeling of abandonment. No one enjoys feeling alone. Feeling transparent in the middle of a heavy  room.  Even so– when you deny yourself to feel yourself feeling the anguish of heartbreak, or solace. It defines you-

It takes away from who and what you are.  Thinking about lyrics in a song, that are kissed with a seriously beautiful instrument. It peels your chest wide open and languishes the very existence of ones self.  I have been known to really swim in my hearts misfortune. Maybe I am someone who enjoys  the dreary side of my lost loves. Maybe I am someone who cannot find enough in the moment.. to make someone want to stay. Maybe I have to drown myself in something. Let it be the moments in pain.

 

I am standing at the end the line.

I am looking at him, and his gaze is back at me.

I wondered a lot of nights how this would go.

Would I lose myself.. would he even know.

I memorized his mouth from the time he first kissed me.

I thought I would always remember how that felt.

I remembered it vaguely.

But i remember the sound of my heart shattering the most.

I reveled in the silence that filled up my days.

I was somber most days.

I thought I would remember.. but maybe I was just trying to hold on to what was copacetic. Instead of swallowing the real issue. That he really was just a heartless, awful, thoughtless..asshole. And he is. He will tell me himself. Atleast that is what he will say to adhere his apology. This will be the hardest part. But Im going to the start.

 

I sat there

 Cumbersome.

My eyes with gape.

I longed for the ‘i love you’ once again.

He danced around it; one again

I could endure it.

I could defer; with a smile and a gentle laugh.

Toss my thoughts around for fun.

I know I see him

but Im not listening.

And with a moment.

The air was heady in the room.

He came in close.

he kissed me again.

Now I remember what that was like.

All the dolor.

Slight of faith.

But I remember it all the same.

Retaining order.

Letting it all go from here.

 

 

Melancholy

Some days are worse than others, days like yesterday were good, days like today, I can barely keep myself from crying at any given moment. It is not that I am sick, or different. It is not that I am alone– no pun intended. It is not something I can render, it is something I have mastered a basic coping method for. It is nothing permanent. It just takes the edge off the feelings of hopelessness.
Depression; a constant slight. Anxiety; sever and sporadic. I have days where just seeing the sun peek through the drawn blinds of my bedroom; brings a smile to my soul. Then there are days where even when I am standing; soaked in sun, and blanketed by warmth, I cannot seem to remember how to think of a smile; let alone smear one on my face.
I struggle with things. But I move on, I don’t let it swallow me; at least not every day. Most days it is like a nagging twitch. It is there but no one can see it; only I know of its existence, only I can feel the motion crawling underneath my skin. It seeps there; like a thick mucilage.  Eventually occupying my being.

My awareness is what renders me most pensive.  Knowing that I am like this. Knowing that I have this sickness I cannot do anything about. And let me clarify before I delve any more.

I am not chronic; I am not constantly like this. I am an extremely lively; bubbly; vivacious person. Guaranteed; to create a massive attack of laughter; hysteria has been my forte. Constant in creating a joy for others to basque in. Because I know how unrelenting unhappiness can feel. I know how much I miss happiness when it fails me.

I value the feelings of warmth and I swallow them like I am a starving child. I revel in them like I have never heard the sound of laughter.

The awareness of my own beating heart. The sound of aching soul. The incessant exhaustion I drown in.  Knowing that I feel this way– and I know exactly what is causing me so much despair through the years.  Being aware and surrendering to it with no choice; is what saddens me the most. What really gets me down. It weighs heavier than a thousand men. It sits heavy; strangling the life from my veins. I am only human. And I wish I could reject that ideal. I wish that I could sink into a cloud and forget that looking in the mirror today could be the breaking point; I wish I wouldn’t of took such a personal slam during the movie Delivery Man* with Vince Vaughn* —

Sometimes in the strangest- most unexpected places; real raw empathy hits me so hard; I crash and  break in a million little pieces.

I am not here for your sympathy- I am here extending my words hindered by my own experience. I know all to well that swelling inside; where you feel like you are completely and inevitably in solitude. I have swam in that swarthy depth . I have floundered with my demons; and sank with their souls.  So one; I get to expel  all the insanity from my inner anxiety concentration camp, and two;  I maybe can help someone who feels like there is nothing more; or there is nothing left.

Its not everyday I entertain my abasement. Maybe that is just my issue.  I have constructed an escape from its wrath.  A small one with not much room to breathe. But one; none the less. Maybe it inflicts punishment unto me for out smarting it. For now.

Just maybe I will overcome it sooner than later. I guess I was just feeling alone. And don’t know if  I am ok with that notion.