Tag Archives: heart

Oh, be still my wild heart.

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We bend and fall.
I push to shove.
You’re so cold.
Like ice buried in my bones.
These night hours pour down over me.
I break for silence..
I’ve pushed so hard.
footsteps coming through the hall.
I’ve tricked myself but I don’t see.
Thick skin paper mache heart.
hold me together with fraying strings…
clasp the holes before I fall apart.
I know what needs to be done.
You with your fire
Me left with the burns.
Patronize me with your tongue.. im onto you.
And what you’ve done.
I trust nothing but my own feet.
I’m still fighting for peace.
It always fades from white to black
You’ve turned that blade into my back.
Show your face and speak your words..
A coward hides his head in earth.
I know to walk before I can fall.
I know to disconnect before I get the call.
You hear me loud and hard
Clear as sunlight cracking through the cloud.
Float away somber one.
I didn’t ask for this..
What have you done.
Stencil scars into my skin.
a road map of heart tales
Battles I could never win.
tip toe across the massacre.
You pull to hard.
my thick skin
My damaged parts
no one finishes what they start.
dirty messes
Caustic hearts.
Neon smile
generic grin.
another lost.
Slayed by sin.

I know that you don’t mind …

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I know that you don’t mind it…
When my eyes are pale and true.
I know that you don’t mind
When my hair fills with waves against my shoulder blades …
I know that you don’t mind it
When I cry sometimes at night..
When my feelings get to heavy
And I’m carrying the weight.
I know that you don’t mind it
When I lay across the entire bed and steal your pillows from out beneath your head.
I know that you don’t mind it
When I’ve had to much to drink..
And I can barely make it past the kitchen sink …
I know that you don’t mind it…
Because these are parts of me ..
And I know that you don’t mind when I keep playing the same songs..
I know that you don’t mind it..
Because this is part of me..
Or how I leave the laundry unfolded in the basket by the bed..
Or leave my shoes in front of the door.. Not to the side instead..
I know that you don’t mind
When I laugh so hard I can’t catch my breath.
And I know that you don’t mind it
When somedays I’m not my best..

And I know that I get heavy and I say too many things without a thought.
I know that you don’t mind me ..
Because my love can’t count a cost.

And for the floors and windowsills
The snow across the pavement ..
The coffee stained countertops ..
Toothpaste in the sink..
I know that you don’t mind it
Because I remind you of home ..
And if everything we have ever done
has led us to be wrong
I know that you don’t mind it..
Because I’ll always sing to you your favorite songs.
I will always lay your clothes neatly in a drawer..
And I will move my shoes to the side for you.. So your path will be cleared …
I will always share the pillows
And rub your head until you sleep..
And …
I know that you don’t mind it..
Because these are parts of me..
And I’m so grateful that you love me
For the Chaotic swell that I can be ..

I know that you don’t mind it
Because these are the parts of me …

Porcelain heart.

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Here we go again.
Doing the same thing you have always done.
You give me fleeting moments then you break me where I stand.
You let me blossom for you like a flower..
Then you cut the cord and you are gone.
What can I do to keep you from running.
What can I do to keep you coming home ?
How can I save you from yourself ..
And let you sew yourself shut again?
I’m waiting here but not tonight..
Your apologetic tone is caustic
You look so dark inside this light.
On this corner of the bed
I’m losing you to the argument
You have between your head and heart…
And I will never be enough to fill your voids…
I guess it’s not enough to say it
It makes no difference if I don’t..
I’m torn between loving you
And just walking away
You can’t just come here
Shake things up
And then leave me again..
I can’t expect you to love me
When you can’t let me in…

In the stillness, we were moving.

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it doesnt matter the stillness that fills your trembling heart.

the cracks fill up like renegades rushing worlds apart.

for you i was your solace when you were coming through the dark.

and i always counted laughter like the measures from a song.

and i always lent you my heart when yours was twisted up into a mess.

counterpart the heavy – blood leaking from my chest.

holding on like mortar – gilded by a metal vest.

and it didnt matter silence, it didnt matter smoldering holes.

not the lesson you had looked for when you were 18 years old.

my finger tips are heavy drag my nails into the earth.

slowly like a swell, then gone all at once.

it doesnt matter the stillness that leads us far apart.

the water fills your lungs heady with a days last goodbye.

you smoked all of my cigarettes as we sat down on that pier.

i close my eyes where i stand.. and still the moment is so clear.

and i search inside my guileless mind. i rack my heart for reasons.

maybe too drunk off the wine – maybe it was the way your laugh reminded me of mine..

and it all happened in the stillness, your soul latched onto mine.

and we didnt matter in the stillness. caught up in the commotion of a rhyme

and even when you’re out in California chasing commas like they’re dreams

and we matter in this stillness. like matter as we move.

and like stardust in my fingers, you and i we’re magic.

we were magic you and me.

Nothing

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Soft indiscretion.
Peel it from my lips.
You’re in your tiny prison cell.
A million times smaller than you are.
You strip away the layers
A soft pardon, have you gone.
If you don’t hold on tight …
Were bound to lose this love.
I crack through the silence
My back is slowly turning..
Reaching for light..
Ebony skies.
Tip toe over subtitles..
Aching as you lie..
You don’t see anything..
As it’s painted on the trees.
It breaks my heart in pieces ..
Naked on this floor..
You don’t call me baby..
Like you did before.
Silent thrashing..
Inside my tired mind..
There’s nothing I can do..
Except for the salvation that comes with time.

my letter of good parting

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lets go with this.

at least 5 times a day– something inside the very fabric of my soul,nestled down in that deep hidden,lost,uncharted,plume of depth.. a fervor churns vigorously inside my obscure existence. the acute distraction, i implement daily, hourly, momentarily, to keep myself from withdrawing into a chaotic swell of sorrow and malady. The incessant affliction of disparate faces you wear so often. I cannot keep up with the changing of your tide, the swift motion of here now there, is it me or you. I cannot begin to paint the picture of where it leaves me in my own emotional battle.  You stagger back and forth; aloof; and unreachable. So much insolence to others, and yet you demand others to be so willing to accept you for your insouciance. Your shortcomings, your for lack of better word, insanity.

Pardon me for sharpening my swords, in the wake of your silence. you torture me with your carelessness.  and you sew me back up with vibrant delusion. only to relinquish me into perplexing moments of disarray.

your zeal has lost its luster.. your charm has eluded you; and left you to waver. you dont possess the obvious capacity it would take to love a woman as spellbinding as I stand.

i never wanted ill for you. only to see your world light up in the dark. to shine with the most glorious of color. to watch pastel sunrise slowly make sweet love to your warm skin. to know that even in your darkest hour; light would make its way into the tiniest, hidden, places in your heart. to know that because I could not be there; close enough to share the same air flowing through your lungs… that my soul could pick up and carry through the longest of nights. through the most arduous of days. to find you.. to enlighten you. to watch you in your totality.

but somehow i have shown to be inadequate in my feat to express compassion, and tenderness to you. I have somehow- not met your requirement that you so often dissipate so far away from me.

i must tell you it causes me a immense suffering. to walk with a fragmented heart. to feel the rigidity in the tone of your once rich, velvet voice. I feel as if, my own discern, has been sundered; lashed and left to lay; in defeat of a love–that has once again- proved itself soluble to the very root of her foundation.

that feeling; robs me of my happiness, because you so selfishly take from me; when you need; when you feel like i am deserving.. and that feeling; drowns any love; i will ever be able to hold onto for you; you suffocate me in this box. these walls.. lined with pictures of you; the casual aloof ring in your voice, the dust collecting like memories of an old friend; a tired story; a fairy princess who never made it out of the ivory tower.

but I will, again mend my scars with the the utmost benevolence, in the greatest magnitude of strength and conviction. you didnt know how to evoke empathy — and for you I feel sorry.

burningmemories//papertragedies

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i have burned your face into my memory like a swollen house.

i have forced myself to color with the shades inside your eyes.

cut out the paper tragedies that i hang up in my room

i feel like ive created a fantasy …

to escape the ghosts of you.

i have etched your splendor in to the covers of my books.

i have woven your tongue lashings into my heart strings.

folded  origami, paper cranes, lets build a house.

when i close my eyes i can see how much that i have lost.

oil paintings, colors running down the walls.

you never planned to stay..

you were never really here at all.

and i dont want to look away..

put my heart back on this shelf.

all i have left is the beating chorus that echoes in my chest.

your eyes staring back at me from a photograph

your sadness seeps out of your veins

i can see it written on your face.

i have retraced all of our memories.

i have built the walls with sand in side my room..

so that if one day you return to me..

you can still knock them down..

but for now my bitter apologies..

i tell you what you want to hear…

its all in vein…

the saddest part about this..

is that i thought you were my friend…

and now you are jagged..

and i am jaded in the end..

you are like a phantom

memories fading from my head..

and i never thought id have to hold back

from the things we always said..

 

 

January

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Strangest things
Fitting puzzle pieces to the shape
I will never fit into your angles
I will never swim into the sea
Strangest things
I’m standing here
Do you recognize me
As I fight this war inside my head
Put a square into a circle
Chasing flames to burn my bitter hands.
A slow ache in the morning
Cased in shades of cerulean
Tiny boxes stacked together
A summer dances out and fall sets in
A change in the wind
A shift in my soul
Your comfort came against my will
I wasn’t looking for a love to keep
I guess I’ve grown tired
Of counting sheep
It’s been just shy of three months
Since you’ve gone back to Merced
And still I find it hard to sleep.
And here we are.
Fighting battles that keep us apart
Calling home – a busy tone
Throwing daggers – skipping stones
I still linger, my heart so cold.
I look at your pictures
I read through all our messages
In between the lines, through the T’s
I try to hold it up.
But it all falls down on me.
And I don’t know if I can let it go.
I dream each night with my prayers and hope.
And each day softens the stone in me.
And each day passes away with me.
Humming songs that sound like you.
I write you letters; post marked with a nostalgic smile.
I wish I could cut my heart right out of my chest.
And send it home to you and get some rest.
But I am anchored here in Waukesha
And it’s getting cold …
Winters coming with a quick reprise.
I’m waiting for January —
It gets me through the days I break.
When I can wrap myself in you again.
I miss you friend..
I know I speak of it all the time.
But who am I too keep the rhyme..
My rhythm converts in to the saddest songs…
But I bare the armor of a heart so strong..
I will be here if I am what you need..
If your heart should change
And it’s still me..
I’ll be here in January ..

honeysuckle woman

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honeysuckle woman. careless as she stands

sweet lilac purple she carries in her hand.

she lifts the tired stones she casts..

as they press underneath her feet.

shards of glass sink in bubbles.

her reflection makes her hate the way she loves him.

she is covered up again.

honeysuckle woman. weightless on her feet.

her dress a  pale shade of ivory

sweet and gentle sheer, tassels on her sleeves.

she moves with out a bustle, a hustle as she leaves

her warm deep hair chestnut. lazy waves rest at her shoulders.

a circle ring of silver, she wears  on her left hand.

she never wears her shoes, she always leaves them behind.

her skin is warm and olive.. her eyes a soft tawny tone..

she stands in the night hours.. and stares into the dusk.

she makes a wish on a falling star.. she lays underneath the moon.

her heart in constant chaos. it stays as if still lovers.

still she waits in silence, the calm before her storm.

she raises her hands out beside her.. and she is earthing circles in the grass.

she feels the soil cool and moist fill the space between her toes..

her fingers dance like music notes to a song she hears in her heart

she is spinning in her circles.. to erase it all away.

a poor girl with promise, and a gregarious smile..

she convicted to her reason, wears her beliefs like a coat.

she believes in magic, and superstitions, she believes that serendipity is a way of life.

she prays to the earth, and calls out to the wind, she plays in the water, and dances by the flames.

her spirit is free flowing, a tragically fragile ebb and flow.

she has a saucy tongue, a vocabulary of a queen.

her words they are like ocean waves, heavy and they hurt.

she speaks truth like she has never heard a lie. she dances even when she breaks to cry.

she is a woman on fire, with a spirit in her feet, a swift and perpetual motion..

she is happy; though she weeps.

she stand there in the between all time and space; truculent in her soiled footprints

she will not bend nor break.

she runs away in moments, ones that seem, make-believe, she lifts herself on pages, tattered with her poetry’s

of all her loves that failed to carry weight.

she carries on her arms, scars that often break and bleed, it makes her remember she is human.

that she can taste bitterness in the feelings in her pain.

honeysuckle woman, softly as she speaks.

let her carry you to fields of daisies, and run through willow trees.

let her show you secret gardens, where she will share the invisible that it keeps.

let her sink beneath the waters, that are beryl, and cerulean.

where the trees are the most vivid green youve ever seen, the sky looks like watercolor,

like she painted it with her own hands, where everything smells of floral, sage, and earth.

and let her grow to love you, she will honor your soul, and give you strength when it eludes you.

she will sing you lullabies as you sleep, she will memorize the spaces from your ear down to your cheek.

she will learn you, like a poet learns stanzas, the way a scholar studies every page inside a book, like a painter creates masterpiece out of nothing.

she will soak you into her soul, and breathe life over you. she is a honeysuckle woman.

she will hold you like a treasure that was forgotten in the sea.

she will set your world to sepia, things you have never seen.

she will be honest, and small against your skin, she will look to you in wonderment.

I know because I’ve seen.

she is a flower in a vase in the middle of a room, she is the scent of morning heavy on your skin.

she is a child of the stars, an accidental constellation, a line drawn in the sand.

she is a mystery as you see, those who try and seek her, will never keep her.

if she chooses to give you her love, you are among the few, who have ever felt her in the raw

she is a oddly marvelous in her way, and she moves through life radiating with love.

she is unwavering with her affections; and she is easy as she speaks.

this honeysuckle woman, is magnificent on her feet.

and should you catch a glimpse of her love, you should catch not to release..

honeysuckle woman, her spirit is exquisite as she is sleek.

honeysuckle woman-

steady in her feats.

 

1:23

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I move through the kitchen
A cool grey sky cracks outside
The rain plays in the thunder
I make my coffee 7 am.
You played me Ben Howard
A sad song in low g.
I still feel the mornings
Tucked away up north
Both of us inside the hearth
You were tired from a sleep
My heart filled with a happiness
Last night it didn’t hurt
I went to bed by ten
Asleep there in my sheets
I awoke to see your messages
The clock read 1:23
I lifted from my slumber
To see what you had said
“I’m sorry if I haven’t been around
To tell you…
How wonderful you are.
I miss you.”
I smiled with a gladness
You seemed familiar just then
I haven’t heard your heart speak
Since august 15th.
I lay there in the hour
And rest easy on my heart
It didn’t say a lot
But it was a start
I close my eyes and smile
The scent of sage atop my pillow
You always liked that smell..
And as I sit here in September
I’m further from this hell.
I love you, and always will.
Even though summer
Took from us..
And made us Ill
I know you that know it
I know you do..
That I am here
Even still.
I am still in love with you