crested broken home

do you feel it breaking underneath us?

do you see the shimmers off the horizon slowly fading to their death?

it all feels so different, im not blind.

i know this place because i have been here many times before

you forsake my love dear, i can feel it in the tide.

you pull me in when you feel me ebbing from your grasp.

what the fuck are we doing here… why did you ask me to come ..

i cant feel you there like i used to before..

you pull away from me & all of it goes dark.

my heart is growing tired now & im afraid of breaking..

i wont ask you to show me.. i wont think to beg …

i will slowly dissolve myself into a crystal sea..

i wonder where you have gone- how come you dont come back to me?

i dont know where we got it wrong cause now i cant seem to get any of it right.

lay here heavy weighted burden on my chest – my heart is slowly broken..

these waves i wait to crest.

tell me what to do love, i cant bare this loss.

you were everything so promising & you shimmered just like gold…

now we fill our void by silence cause you dont speak the words anymore.

i didnt come here for you to break me.

i didnt come here to be punished by you

if you cant fucking love me..

 

then let me fucking go.

 

Oh, be still my wild heart.

We bend and fall.
I push to shove.
You’re so cold.
Like ice buried in my bones.
These night hours pour down over me.
I break for silence..
I’ve pushed so hard.
footsteps coming through the hall.
I’ve tricked myself but I don’t see.
Thick skin paper mache heart.
hold me together with fraying strings…
clasp the holes before I fall apart.
I know what needs to be done.
You with your fire
Me left with the burns.
Patronize me with your tongue.. im onto you.
And what you’ve done.
I trust nothing but my own feet.
I’m still fighting for peace.
It always fades from white to black
You’ve turned that blade into my back.
Show your face and speak your words..
A coward hides his head in earth.
I know to walk before I can fall.
I know to disconnect before I get the call.
You hear me loud and hard
Clear as sunlight cracking through the cloud.
Float away somber one.
I didn’t ask for this..
What have you done.
Stencil scars into my skin.
a road map of heart tales
Battles I could never win.
tip toe across the massacre.
You pull to hard.
my thick skin
My damaged parts
no one finishes what they start.
dirty messes
Caustic hearts.
Neon smile
generic grin.
another lost.
Slayed by sin.

Corrupted

Milky incandescence..
A shallow hole inside my chest.
nothing lasts forever..
Glitter on the chandelier..
Walk these frozen streets.
You call and I would listen.
I was all id ever be.
I spent my moments heaving through corrupted lungs.
Counting indiscretions that would only make me bleed.
silent in my ocean heart..
Heavy on my gilded feet.
There was no coming down
From this high once I got you in my blood.
I’m ripping through scar tissue
I’m running in my sleep.
my lungs full with posion.
wrapped in lace sheath.
I heave through the water
rough under my teeth.
a heart is such a fragile thing..
Never made to keep.
Swelling in my veins..
It makes it hard to sleep…
I’m drowning in your secrets..
decaying where we sleep.
restless disposition.
Despite my softened knees.
Scars in shapes of names
blood stains on your cheek.
Familiar with this silence..
What else could I have done..
You were busy leaving..
I was heaving through corrupted lungs…

Small things.

Your words collide with my heart.
Slam into my shins like a swell.
I stand here bleeding.
And spend my time on everybody else.
I sit here soaking in apology..
I am sorry for myself.
Foolish disposition..
Not ready for the change.
Everything is shifting.
All the small things.
Like the flecks inside your eye..
The coarseness of your hair between my fingertips.
Maybe it was something
That was never good enough
You play the victim in your own murder…
As if you’ve been wronged in vein.
And it’s all the small things
That gather at my feet..
You’re shallow like the puddles
From a soft echoing rain.
I knew you would..
But I can’t shape the madness
I can’t color in your lines.
All these small things..
They gather around me.
Like when I need your solace
And you cast silence over me.
Beg for understanding
But I’m drowning in between.
Aloof and slowly distanced
You walked out on me.
I pick up the pieces …
And I collect what’s left of me.
And all these small things.
Have forsaken me.
I was sorry love
I was sorry for loving you.
For breaking my own heart
While you hold it as it bleeds
All these small things..
Have gotten much too big for me..
And now all these small things
Have made it too dark for me to see.
All the small things
The words you lay on me.
The excuses that you believe
All these small things..
Have destroyed you and me.

Traveling hearts

Today you board a plane to home.
And I’m trekking down I-4.
I find comfort in the simple things
Like the irony in life.
Like you are California kissed
And I’m in a winter wonderland ..
I couldn’t get close to you..
So I got as far away as I could find.
I don’t see the reason
We keep doing what we’ve done.
You have a place in my heart..
But I can’t quite find my place in yours ..
I knew we were falling..
But that didn’t stop us from running
I knew we may not survive it..
But that didn’t keep us away from fire.
I look up in the pillow of the clouds
Maybe you are mid flight.
And maybe as I look up
You are looking down.
Thinking the same things
I am thinking too…
Maybe you’ll come home for good
And I’ll be gone by then ..
Maybe that’s the way it plays out
Maybe that’s all we could ever give.
But you call home to California
But me I’m packing up for south
And maybe that’s the outcome
Maybe that’s something I will always doubt…
But I can’t say I didn’t love you
I can’t say that smoking cigarettes
Over cold cups of coffee in my hands..
At least I loved you loudly
Instead of being silent in my mind..
I knew I was falling …
But that didn’t stop me from trying
That didn’t keep me from myself

I know that you don’t mind …

I know that you don’t mind it…
When my eyes are pale and true.
I know that you don’t mind
When my hair fills with waves against my shoulder blades …
I know that you don’t mind it
When I cry sometimes at night..
When my feelings get to heavy
And I’m carrying the weight.
I know that you don’t mind it
When I lay across the entire bed and steal your pillows from out beneath your head.
I know that you don’t mind it
When I’ve had to much to drink..
And I can barely make it past the kitchen sink …
I know that you don’t mind it…
Because these are parts of me ..
And I know that you don’t mind when I keep playing the same songs..
I know that you don’t mind it..
Because this is part of me..
Or how I leave the laundry unfolded in the basket by the bed..
Or leave my shoes in front of the door.. Not to the side instead..
I know that you don’t mind
When I laugh so hard I can’t catch my breath.
And I know that you don’t mind it
When somedays I’m not my best..

And I know that I get heavy and I say too many things without a thought.
I know that you don’t mind me ..
Because my love can’t count a cost.

And for the floors and windowsills
The snow across the pavement ..
The coffee stained countertops ..
Toothpaste in the sink..
I know that you don’t mind it
Because I remind you of home ..
And if everything we have ever done
has led us to be wrong
I know that you don’t mind it..
Because I’ll always sing to you your favorite songs.
I will always lay your clothes neatly in a drawer..
And I will move my shoes to the side for you.. So your path will be cleared …
I will always share the pillows
And rub your head until you sleep..
And …
I know that you don’t mind it..
Because these are parts of me..
And I’m so grateful that you love me
For the Chaotic swell that I can be ..

I know that you don’t mind it
Because these are the parts of me …

Porcelain heart.

Here we go again.
Doing the same thing you have always done.
You give me fleeting moments then you break me where I stand.
You let me blossom for you like a flower..
Then you cut the cord and you are gone.
What can I do to keep you from running.
What can I do to keep you coming home ?
How can I save you from yourself ..
And let you sew yourself shut again?
I’m waiting here but not tonight..
Your apologetic tone is caustic
You look so dark inside this light.
On this corner of the bed
I’m losing you to the argument
You have between your head and heart…
And I will never be enough to fill your voids…
I guess it’s not enough to say it
It makes no difference if I don’t..
I’m torn between loving you
And just walking away
You can’t just come here
Shake things up
And then leave me again..
I can’t expect you to love me
When you can’t let me in…

November

All those weeks of silence
Cascading through my chest..
Distant were your memories
The faint scent of you kiss..
I forgot how soft your skin was
Pressed gently against mine..
The way your hands cover me
How your heart beats matched with mine..
I forgot how small I feel next to you..
Or how my hand fit into yours..
I was beginning to fade out
Erased by empty time
I thought you’d forgotten how good our love was..
Until November 26th..
Fresh snow on the trees ..
Winter came early
But it brought you back to me.
And I told myself I wouldn’t
But how could I not..
You are my forever
And we almost got it wrong ..
My thoughts were racing
My heart was shaking in my chest..
And all those nights I longed for you..
Nights I was not my best..
And there you were before me ..
I couldn’t lift my eyes
The warmth of your body
Tucked underneath the blankets
Your breath agaisnt my neck..
Your fingers traced my outlines
And I sink into this bliss.
I waited 6 months just to see you..
For only hours that we had
And I wouldn’t change a minute
Trade a second for a day..
Everything was perfect
You were flawless in your way.
I thought about the reasons
Maybe I shouldn’t say …
But I needed you to know I love you
So I said it anyway..
You are my forever person
You are the sun perched up in my sky..
You are the song inside my heart
The words written on my page
You were everything you’d always been..
And that was everything to me ..
I just needed you to know …
You are my November
And with you my heart will always be…

superNova

Come down one deeper.
Hands intertwined
No matter how scary.
This life may seem.
I am your sunshine
When the clouds swell with grey.
You are my summer
When winters at play.
Come down one deeper
Float here in my heart.
Swim in my soul
Wade in my laughter.
Calm in the ocean
Darkest by sea.
I am your August
In the dead still of December.
You are my bouquet of daisies
In a vase by the window.
Come down one deeper
Hold on to my fingers
And I’ll walk there with you.
I will explode into nothingness
And disperse through your skies.
Come down one deeper
And lay here with me.
Let me be your supernova
And you the stars in my galaxy.
Come down one deeper …
You’ll like it you’ll see.

HeartCadence

He placed both hands on each side of my face.

And when he kissed me time between us stood still.

As if the cadences of my heart were echoing in his chest.

I had never been kissed like that before.

so much so where it burned me alive.

And I stood there. Helpless in his palms.

Lost between the sound of the music playing in the background..

And the faint stutter of my breath.

waiting for him to release the air back into my throat.

It was like washing myself in air and turning through a swell in the middle of the sea.

That kiss. That profound moment. Radiated in the core of my existence.

Beating like a drum through my rib cage.

And never have I ever had to catch myself so fast in a moment so slow.

That everything in between seemed like angel dust and sunshine.

Never have I fallen so helplessly for someone that I could not feel the tingle in my lips.

Not like that moment I waited for…

When he placed both of his hands on each side of my face..

Not like that.

Never. Like that.