at least 5 times a day– something inside the very fabric of my soul,nestled down in that deep hidden,lost,uncharted,plume of depth.. a fervor churns vigorously inside my obscure existence. the acute distraction, i implement daily, hourly, momentarily, to keep myself from withdrawing into a chaotic swell of sorrow and malady. The incessant affliction of disparate faces you wear so often. I cannot keep up with the changing of your tide, the swift motion of here now there, is it me or you. I cannot begin to paint the picture of where it leaves me in my own emotional battle. You stagger back and forth; aloof; and unreachable. So much insolence to others, and yet you demand others to be so willing to accept you for your insouciance. Your shortcomings, your for lack of better word, insanity.
Pardon me for sharpening my swords, in the wake of your silence. you torture me with your carelessness. and you sew me back up with vibrant delusion. only to relinquish me into perplexing moments of disarray.
your zeal has lost its luster.. your charm has eluded you; and left you to waver. you dont possess the obvious capacity it would take to love a woman as spellbinding as I stand.
i never wanted ill for you. only to see your world light up in the dark. to shine with the most glorious of color. to watch pastel sunrise slowly make sweet love to your warm skin. to know that even in your darkest hour; light would make its way into the tiniest, hidden, places in your heart. to know that because I could not be there; close enough to share the same air flowing through your lungs… that my soul could pick up and carry through the longest of nights. through the most arduous of days. to find you.. to enlighten you. to watch you in your totality.
but somehow i have shown to be inadequate in my feat to express compassion, and tenderness to you. I have somehow- not met your requirement that you so often dissipate so far away from me.
i must tell you it causes me a immense suffering. to walk with a fragmented heart. to feel the rigidity in the tone of your once rich, velvet voice. I feel as if, my own discern, has been sundered; lashed and left to lay; in defeat of a love–that has once again- proved itself soluble to the very root of her foundation.
that feeling; robs me of my happiness, because you so selfishly take from me; when you need; when you feel like i am deserving.. and that feeling; drowns any love; i will ever be able to hold onto for you; you suffocate me in this box. these walls.. lined with pictures of you; the casual aloof ring in your voice, the dust collecting like memories of an old friend; a tired story; a fairy princess who never made it out of the ivory tower.
but I will, again mend my scars with the the utmost benevolence, in the greatest magnitude of strength and conviction. you didnt know how to evoke empathy — and for you I feel sorry.
I can’t stay in one place.
I can’t remember before
It was just an empty space
Clenching to my grip
Slowly drowning in the sounds
I’m not sure if I’m breathing.
I can’t hear my thoughts
All I needed was a hand
To pull me through..
All I needed was the moment
I sat there in my car staring at the rain
Out the window.
A funny feeling wretched inside of me.
Coiling in my thoughts like venom in my veins.
I can’t do the silence I can’t let you bind my hands.
And so maybe I’ll just think here
Driving myself insane
And so maybe I can’t think of it
Sitting here alone.
Unwrap myself from inside of you.
So maybe I am floating in the shadow
I can feel it coming up
Such a rage burning deep inside
Counting on these seconds
I can feel it start to die
I can’t count on these moments
Til you say it
Til you leave me standing high.
When will it get better
When does it ever start to fade
It’s the same old tired bullshit
And I can’t turn the page
Someone fucking tell me
How I can get it all so wrong
Someone fucking say it…
What I’ve been blind to all along
Take it back and draw the blinds
I want to crawl into a hole
And let the world go on
I can’t quite seem to shake it
The feeling like a drug
So hit me with that needle
I’m gunna need to feel that high
Swallow me with vengeance
Don’t let me out half alive
If you’re going to fucking do this
How bout we do it right
The room has grown so tired
The smell of shame heavy on my skin
And should I lie and say I knew it
But it never crossed my mind.
Let’s just be honest and say it
This wasnt just a leg to stand on
Another weakened crutch
I’m begging for my life here
I hold it like a crux
Only in my shadows do I feel the Fear fill up inside of me
Only in my shadows can I strip down from all the things that weigh heavy on my soul.
Talk is cheap now baby and I can’t pay you for this hit
So if you’re gunna kill me
Im going down in vein
But I never saw it coming…
Though we should of all the same.
I stared into the vastness
The world out in front of me.
Here I was two worlds apart
And with his life he held my heart.
I felt like dancing
He asked where.
I just stopped and I danced right there.
And he looked on
And smiled at me.
And I was as free as I’ll ever be.
All my troubles for what’s it’s worth
Lord knows I’ve been back,been forth
He took my hand and looked at me
Promised the whole world shined on for me…
I felt as helpless as a child.
I felt as so big; so free,so wild.
Breathe new life into these bones…
And I’ll keep sailing home to you.
With you with me..
What is my heart to do…
Count the colors
That Fill the space
Running circles
By Measured heart.
A ray of sunshine.
A sky of stars..
Tracing lines that shape his face.
Pour your love into my cracks.
Drink the laughter.
Don’t take it back.
I felt like dancing
And he asked where…
And I just stopped
I danced right there..
He looked on …
Smiled at me.
And then we danced..
So wild; so free.
The sun was shining through the glass
I watched him talk.. I drank his laugh.
The warm June air against my skin
The moments passed …
I soaked them in.
His skin was warm his smile wide
And in that car… I lost my mind.
The minutes seemed to ebb and flow
His love was strange…
Like a brand new child.
The thoughts I had pulled at my heart
The pain I felt was no less a part.
I didn’t care where we’d go…
I would have gone with him
To the ends of earth.
My mind draws blanks in the midst of thought.
I couldn’t retrace– all I forgot.
I draped my hand into the summer wind
As he looked at me..
Like he knew all along.
His tongue like silk..
He sung my song.
If I never get the change again..
I had these days..
Right here with him.
I could feel my heart begin to swell.
He heard my voice he heard me well.
And as we drove through the day–
I felt my self softly slipping away..
I couldn’t catch me if I tried…
I think he knows …
In my reprise…
I’ve been soaked up before
Then left to dry.
And if I knew no better…
He would never have it —
To see me cry.
Two hours north–
I hid away–
My words elude me …
They fall away…
All I had had been erased ..
In the silence …
His strong embrace …
I hummed myself to sleep that
night…
I watched him there…
I watched him breathe…
Two hours north…
Tucked away…
I knew too well…
That as fools do..
In love I fell…
And I don’t mind it much anymore…
My heart was fragile..
My heart ached sore…
Through my fingers..
Time like sand..
In my repose…
Hand in hand…
You know as a female, I find that the things that go on in my head, are a little unsettling. Not in a ‘serial killer way’ but in a way like… I am the joker and I will unveil batman, or take the penguin’s cumber-bun… or however that goes.
I have found myself, in precarious situations in relationships with men, where something, one thing, little,big,small, it happened. And I could not get it out of the back of my head. Which for me, as a Leo, with a jealous streak the size of the Great wall of China, this is quite the daunting task at hand. I mean to be sloshing my feet back and forth violently in a clearly marked.. ‘No wake’ zone.
Basically I am fucked.
Once that thought is implanted, once the idea has come to fruition, it plants a seed.
In not just a woman’s head, but in men as well. And if you find yourself reading this saying
“Not me absolutely not.. I have never, not once, nope. Just.No.”
You are lying to me, yourself and everyone else.
Now with this ‘ideal’ I am going to lay out before you. Please pass judgment. That is my disclaimer. I am giving you the permission to do what you are going to do– regardless. So you can feel like less of an asshole later.
Men are from Mars — Women are from ….
Just stop. This is dumb. You need to stop making excuses of the sex. Seriously, Just, no…
We all think the same. We are geared by the unfettered magnetism that we all experience in any type of -new relationship so to speak. You know- the honeymoon stage, the infatuation stage, the what I like to call… “I don’t want to punch you in the throat, yet.” phase.
We all are human being. When something happens that is upsetting– we react within a certain emotion. We ride that wave and sometimes we get carried out to sea on it.
With me !? Okay !!
I have recently found myself, in lieu of a lot of tumultuous up’s and down’s with my current long time boyfriend, creeping his Facebook. Which would be totally normal, if we were Facebook friends.
annnnd; let me explain.
We decided almost a year ago that Facebook, was just a relationship no-no for the both of us. More or less him, because he thinks a ‘like’ means I have done something unspeakable to or with another mans penis. Dysfunctional– I know.
Me– I didn’t want to see what he was saying, or doing. And the incessant male driven sexual desire of ‘tattooed half naked red headed women with big nice voluptuous asses’ showing up in my news feed left and right, exposing his wandering eye- was starting to piss me off… and make me feel like he would not hesitate to look elsewhere… in real time… I am not a tattooed, half naked ever, red head with a big nice voluptuous ass. So I have some insecurities, please by all means.. if you don’t harbor any yourselves– exit the fucking post now.
Say what you will– that shit is annoying, and could make any girl feel less adequate. Kind of like our reasoning for being ‘offended’ when men watch porn. We all know you watch it because lets be honest– we are not going to let you wrap us in saran wrap and electrocute our clit with a cattle prod- while some buxom blonde tries to pee on our leg through her panties while screaming out in Russian, while you’re knee deep in a 5 foot 6 blonde named Isis, with giant boobs, flawless nipples and a vagina that looks like it was sketched by Michelangelo.
So, I have been creeping. I have my suspicions. I have my little seeds, that have been watered, fed, and in full bloom over the years.
And I must say.. I have almost but convinced that little voice in my head, that there is something to be seen.
So I creep his Facebook, unbeknownst to him.
Until I find something.
And I need to confront him.
And bust myself out, for my childish teenage actions.
WHATEVER.
I have found stuff that is really nothing huge, but its the fact that he isn’t honest about it. For instance, this girl has been texting him, and he has it set to his spam messages. (if you know what this feature is on your android phone, you are either hiding something or someone, or you have a psycho ex that wouldn’t let up on the happy finger with all their “I love you- you sonofa..” texts.) I mean literally– it is Facebook, and I find myself starting at it, back and forth, up and down. More recent posts. Past posts, photo comments.. You would think I was decoding the fucking Mahabharata… but okay, no,seriously.
‘Oh, who is this?…’
‘Ooooh she likes all his pictures’
‘all of them.’
‘except the ones with me in it.. ‘
‘hmmmm’
‘Oh really bitch.’
Now do I say anything, or am I crazy-
Yes a little crazy, I think maybe self confidence impaired.
Maybe this is why he has refused to entertain the idea of becoming facebook friends again.
Maybe that is why there is a passcode on his cell phone.
Or perhaps that is why he takes the god forsaken electronic with him should he remove himself from the general vicinity for more than a few brief seconds…
I mean for the love of everything holy. If I at all questioned myself as being the only one.. let me reassure you.. should you be feeling the same bouts of insanity… someone made this…
….. legit by the first 30 seconds… I did not know if I should jump off a cliff.. or subscribe..
Crazy is shaving his head while he sleeps, or putting Viagra in his coffee
knowing he has a 9 am meeting
Or dropping Visine in his morning drink, before his day at the office…
knowing he will hit morning traffic…and have a long, long, long, wait til he can get to the bathroom.
But I would most likely end up on the shitty end of that–
LITERALLY.
Because I do the damn laundry.
HARD PASS
…….muahahahahah….
just kidding, I have never… but I mean, that did manifest in my head somewhere..
so I mean…
YEAH.
Anyways, I try to keep it 100 % honest.
ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH
IF YOU HAVE TO DELETE IT, ITS WRONG
IF YOU CAN’T SAY IT, OR LOOK AT IT IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER, WELL.. YOU KNOW.
DON’T REPLY BACK TO A FB MESSAGE FROM SOMEONE AT 2 AM..
I mean I would not do it to him, so it is okay for him to do to me.
Not necessarily. Most of the time it is innocent, and I am not saying I have not put myself in a more than compromising situation, which I thought was harmless…until he sent a picture of his ‘junk’ over as an attempt to seal the deal.. okay.. and do not act like I am the only one. We are human like I said.
Anyways- I am getting off topic here.
The point is, we all can be a little crazy. love makes you do some really stupid shit.
It makes us think things, or over think them.
But I think the problem really lies with in ourselves. If we are doing things, behind one anothers back. That cannot be love. At that point it is a love gone bad… and all the crazy makes it harder to work through.
I just have been driven by my own insecurities and his past mistakes.
And the social media world makes it so unbelievably easy to do something that could ultimately ruin a relationship you have in real life. Social media has made it so easy to pretend, and get caught up, and wander, and explore, and see. Seeing is one of most stimulating things for the mind. Visual stimulants can release a plethora of emotions, or sexual desires, or anger, sadness, empathy, apathy.
It makes me wonder the statistic of man to woman ratio who get caught up in cheating via the intra-web.
This article touches more on the effects on men verses woman. Which is unfortunately or not unfortunate I am not sure, men are more visually stimulated by sexual ‘photos’ or ‘videos’ than women. Ha ! Go figure. Lol.
Relationships really can be tested, to a limit that we may or may not know how to deal with… let alone process.
I think we can all let things make us a little crazy– especially when it comes to our incessant obsession with, the internet, and everything being one click way.
So now I am pegged with the question, if I am questioning enough, to ‘inspect’ his Facebook to get dirt.. am I crazy or am I letting things get the best of my own confidence, or trust in my significant other?
I feel like I am not the only one. I feel like I am not only the only one playing Carmen San Diego on the internet waves… But its when you keep looking for something that may or may not be there, that maybe our own self conscious plays tricks on us… maybe we are crazy enough, to turn one thing, that is nothing, into a something. Which turns into an argument, a volley of ‘you did this, I did that..’
It all plays into the human Psyche.. the human mind is a beautiful thing.
But it can be dark. It can be cold.
And fuck, it can be crazy.
So aren’t we all just a little crazy when it comes down to it ?
It is what I feel somewhat natural to have doubts, and second thoughts about what is or isn’t the truth.
Also do not get me wrong I don’t go into things with the mindset that all men are liars. And this will be like every other guy that has betrayed my trust.. But I have had my fair share of assholes.. and narcissistic, pathological liars,that have legitimately tried to convince me that his grey shirt was in fact blue… but that is here nor there.
I have a reset button. When something bad happens to me.. which it has, I try wholeheartedly to go into it with a clean slate. When you carry your bullshit from another relationship into a new relationship– you are bound to fall flat on your face. You are bound to destroy any chance of building trust and continuing to build off that trust into something of a solid, secure foundation.
I try to give benefit of the doubt. And it has come back to bite me in the ass more times than I would like to count.. but you can’t know for sure until you actually know for sure. However– if in these cases you are the other woman, or his or even; your own past relationships have ended due to a lack of trust, or infidelity.. you are asking for trouble.
As quoted by the late Albert Einstein…
“The definition of insanity
is doing the same thing over and over again,
and expecting a different result.”
So that would be a poor judgment call upon ones self… and that leaves no one left to blame.. but you.
When it comes down to it we can be very wet behind the ears, bewildered creatures. When something is not broken, learn not to break it. I believe all in all that really inhibits the entire process of learning to believe in things that we cannot see… or things that have not been said- so to speak…
We may feel daunted in the entirety of it all. Which in turn can indeed make someone act a little crazy. But it is all about putting the pieces together. If they don’t fit, they don’t fit.
I think I probably helped myself out more than I helped any one else here… but hey.
So next time you are feeling crazy about something.. anything.. not even in relation to relationships.. take a step back.. and ask yourself what is the maddening factor. Maybe if we took the time to work it out on our own.. we would all be a little less crazy…
wild soul wanderings 