my letter of good parting

lets go with this.

at least 5 times a day– something inside the very fabric of my soul,nestled down in that deep hidden,lost,uncharted,plume of depth.. a fervor churns vigorously inside my obscure existence. the acute distraction, i implement daily, hourly, momentarily, to keep myself from withdrawing into a chaotic swell of sorrow and malady. The incessant affliction of disparate faces you wear so often. I cannot keep up with the changing of your tide, the swift motion of here now there, is it me or you. I cannot begin to paint the picture of where it leaves me in my own emotional battle.  You stagger back and forth; aloof; and unreachable. So much insolence to others, and yet you demand others to be so willing to accept you for your insouciance. Your shortcomings, your for lack of better word, insanity.

Pardon me for sharpening my swords, in the wake of your silence. you torture me with your carelessness.  and you sew me back up with vibrant delusion. only to relinquish me into perplexing moments of disarray.

your zeal has lost its luster.. your charm has eluded you; and left you to waver. you dont possess the obvious capacity it would take to love a woman as spellbinding as I stand.

i never wanted ill for you. only to see your world light up in the dark. to shine with the most glorious of color. to watch pastel sunrise slowly make sweet love to your warm skin. to know that even in your darkest hour; light would make its way into the tiniest, hidden, places in your heart. to know that because I could not be there; close enough to share the same air flowing through your lungs… that my soul could pick up and carry through the longest of nights. through the most arduous of days. to find you.. to enlighten you. to watch you in your totality.

but somehow i have shown to be inadequate in my feat to express compassion, and tenderness to you. I have somehow- not met your requirement that you so often dissipate so far away from me.

i must tell you it causes me a immense suffering. to walk with a fragmented heart. to feel the rigidity in the tone of your once rich, velvet voice. I feel as if, my own discern, has been sundered; lashed and left to lay; in defeat of a love–that has once again- proved itself soluble to the very root of her foundation.

that feeling; robs me of my happiness, because you so selfishly take from me; when you need; when you feel like i am deserving.. and that feeling; drowns any love; i will ever be able to hold onto for you; you suffocate me in this box. these walls.. lined with pictures of you; the casual aloof ring in your voice, the dust collecting like memories of an old friend; a tired story; a fairy princess who never made it out of the ivory tower.

but I will, again mend my scars with the the utmost benevolence, in the greatest magnitude of strength and conviction. you didnt know how to evoke empathy — and for you I feel sorry.

burningmemories//papertragedies

i have burned your face into my memory like a swollen house.

i have forced myself to color with the shades inside your eyes.

cut out the paper tragedies that i hang up in my room

i feel like ive created a fantasy …

to escape the ghosts of you.

i have etched your splendor in to the covers of my books.

i have woven your tongue lashings into my heart strings.

folded  origami, paper cranes, lets build a house.

when i close my eyes i can see how much that i have lost.

oil paintings, colors running down the walls.

you never planned to stay..

you were never really here at all.

and i dont want to look away..

put my heart back on this shelf.

all i have left is the beating chorus that echoes in my chest.

your eyes staring back at me from a photograph

your sadness seeps out of your veins

i can see it written on your face.

i have retraced all of our memories.

i have built the walls with sand in side my room..

so that if one day you return to me..

you can still knock them down..

but for now my bitter apologies..

i tell you what you want to hear…

its all in vein…

the saddest part about this..

is that i thought you were my friend…

and now you are jagged..

and i am jaded in the end..

you are like a phantom

memories fading from my head..

and i never thought id have to hold back

from the things we always said..

 

 

Felt like dancing.

I stared into the vastness
The world out in front of me.
Here I was two worlds apart
And with his life he held my heart.
I felt like dancing
He asked where.
I just stopped and I danced right there.
And he looked on
And smiled at me.
And I was as free as I’ll ever be.

All my troubles for what’s it’s worth
Lord knows I’ve been back,been forth
He took my hand and looked at me
Promised the whole world shined on for me…
I felt as helpless as a child.
I felt as so big; so free,so wild.
Breathe new life into these bones…
And I’ll keep sailing home to you.
With you with me..
What is my heart to do…

Count the colors
That Fill the space
Running circles
By Measured heart.
A ray of sunshine.
A sky of stars..
Tracing lines that shape his face.
Pour your love into my cracks.
Drink the laughter.
Don’t take it back.

I felt like dancing
And he asked where…
And I just stopped
I danced right there..
He looked on …
Smiled at me.
And then we danced..
So wild; so free.

Two hours north

The sun was shining through the glass
I watched him talk.. I drank his laugh.
The warm June air against my skin
The moments passed …
I soaked them in.
His skin was warm his smile wide
And in that car… I lost my mind.
The minutes seemed to ebb and flow
His love was strange…
Like a brand new child.
The thoughts I had pulled at my heart
The pain I felt was no less a part.
I didn’t care where we’d go…
I would have gone with him
To the ends of earth.
My mind draws blanks in the midst of thought.
I couldn’t retrace– all I forgot.
I draped my hand into the summer wind
As he looked at me..
Like he knew all along.
His tongue like silk..
He sung my song.
If I never get the change again..
I had these days..
Right here with him.
I could feel my heart begin to swell.
He heard my voice he heard me well.
And as we drove through the day–
I felt my self softly slipping away..
I couldn’t catch me if I tried…
I think he knows …
In my reprise…
I’ve been soaked up before
Then left to dry.
And if I knew no better…
He would never have it —
To see me cry.

Two hours north–
I hid away–
My words elude me …
They fall away…
All I had had been erased ..
In the silence …
His strong embrace …
I hummed myself to sleep that
night…
I watched him there…
I watched him breathe…

Two hours north…
Tucked away…
I knew too well…
That as fools do..
In love I fell…
And I don’t mind it much anymore…
My heart was fragile..
My heart ached sore…
Through my fingers..
Time like sand..
In my repose…
Hand in hand…

Retaining Order.

So- what do you do with a brokenness?! Something that just aches inside of you for ever; until one day it just gets easier. Eventually it all becomes weightless and the only time it ever crosses your mind; is probably standing in front of the person.

So what do you do in the meantime- while you move forward in pain. The world doesnt stop, the world does not care. The world does not feel you’re heart breaking. The sounds of silence are all in your head. The resistance of being left is the water in your your ocean. Timely and elegant, it dances across your vanquishment.

all the while you feel;

hollow.

all the while you hear;

naught.

time slows down in front of your eyes.

and the only thing you can do, is bury the memory. Hang it up to be forgotten behind a tired door. Leave it lay. Let it be. Because to elucidate it; is like retching.

What am I even getting at. Where is this going. What am i trying to make with this transmission.

 

I guess where I stand right now– is in the midst of one broken relationship, the wake of it ending. The lowly feeling of abandonment. No one enjoys feeling alone. Feeling transparent in the middle of a heavy  room.  Even so– when you deny yourself to feel yourself feeling the anguish of heartbreak, or solace. It defines you-

It takes away from who and what you are.  Thinking about lyrics in a song, that are kissed with a seriously beautiful instrument. It peels your chest wide open and languishes the very existence of ones self.  I have been known to really swim in my hearts misfortune. Maybe I am someone who enjoys  the dreary side of my lost loves. Maybe I am someone who cannot find enough in the moment.. to make someone want to stay. Maybe I have to drown myself in something. Let it be the moments in pain.

 

I am standing at the end the line.

I am looking at him, and his gaze is back at me.

I wondered a lot of nights how this would go.

Would I lose myself.. would he even know.

I memorized his mouth from the time he first kissed me.

I thought I would always remember how that felt.

I remembered it vaguely.

But i remember the sound of my heart shattering the most.

I reveled in the silence that filled up my days.

I was somber most days.

I thought I would remember.. but maybe I was just trying to hold on to what was copacetic. Instead of swallowing the real issue. That he really was just a heartless, awful, thoughtless..asshole. And he is. He will tell me himself. Atleast that is what he will say to adhere his apology. This will be the hardest part. But Im going to the start.

 

I sat there

 Cumbersome.

My eyes with gape.

I longed for the ‘i love you’ once again.

He danced around it; one again

I could endure it.

I could defer; with a smile and a gentle laugh.

Toss my thoughts around for fun.

I know I see him

but Im not listening.

And with a moment.

The air was heady in the room.

He came in close.

he kissed me again.

Now I remember what that was like.

All the dolor.

Slight of faith.

But I remember it all the same.

Retaining order.

Letting it all go from here.

 

 

sempiternal

Eternal and unchanging, ever-lasting