Melancholy

Some days are worse than others, days like yesterday were good, days like today, I can barely keep myself from crying at any given moment. It is not that I am sick, or different. It is not that I am alone– no pun intended. It is not something I can render, it is something I have mastered a basic coping method for. It is nothing permanent. It just takes the edge off the feelings of hopelessness.
Depression; a constant slight. Anxiety; sever and sporadic. I have days where just seeing the sun peek through the drawn blinds of my bedroom; brings a smile to my soul. Then there are days where even when I am standing; soaked in sun, and blanketed by warmth, I cannot seem to remember how to think of a smile; let alone smear one on my face.
I struggle with things. But I move on, I don’t let it swallow me; at least not every day. Most days it is like a nagging twitch. It is there but no one can see it; only I know of its existence, only I can feel the motion crawling underneath my skin. It seeps there; like a thick mucilage.  Eventually occupying my being.

My awareness is what renders me most pensive.  Knowing that I am like this. Knowing that I have this sickness I cannot do anything about. And let me clarify before I delve any more.

I am not chronic; I am not constantly like this. I am an extremely lively; bubbly; vivacious person. Guaranteed; to create a massive attack of laughter; hysteria has been my forte. Constant in creating a joy for others to basque in. Because I know how unrelenting unhappiness can feel. I know how much I miss happiness when it fails me.

I value the feelings of warmth and I swallow them like I am a starving child. I revel in them like I have never heard the sound of laughter.

The awareness of my own beating heart. The sound of aching soul. The incessant exhaustion I drown in.  Knowing that I feel this way– and I know exactly what is causing me so much despair through the years.  Being aware and surrendering to it with no choice; is what saddens me the most. What really gets me down. It weighs heavier than a thousand men. It sits heavy; strangling the life from my veins. I am only human. And I wish I could reject that ideal. I wish that I could sink into a cloud and forget that looking in the mirror today could be the breaking point; I wish I wouldn’t of took such a personal slam during the movie Delivery Man* with Vince Vaughn* —

Sometimes in the strangest- most unexpected places; real raw empathy hits me so hard; I crash and  break in a million little pieces.

I am not here for your sympathy- I am here extending my words hindered by my own experience. I know all to well that swelling inside; where you feel like you are completely and inevitably in solitude. I have swam in that swarthy depth . I have floundered with my demons; and sank with their souls.  So one; I get to expel  all the insanity from my inner anxiety concentration camp, and two;  I maybe can help someone who feels like there is nothing more; or there is nothing left.

Its not everyday I entertain my abasement. Maybe that is just my issue.  I have constructed an escape from its wrath.  A small one with not much room to breathe. But one; none the less. Maybe it inflicts punishment unto me for out smarting it. For now.

Just maybe I will overcome it sooner than later. I guess I was just feeling alone. And don’t know if  I am ok with that notion.