my letter of good parting

lets go with this.

at least 5 times a day– something inside the very fabric of my soul,nestled down in that deep hidden,lost,uncharted,plume of depth.. a fervor churns vigorously inside my obscure existence. the acute distraction, i implement daily, hourly, momentarily, to keep myself from withdrawing into a chaotic swell of sorrow and malady. The incessant affliction of disparate faces you wear so often. I cannot keep up with the changing of your tide, the swift motion of here now there, is it me or you. I cannot begin to paint the picture of where it leaves me in my own emotional battle.  You stagger back and forth; aloof; and unreachable. So much insolence to others, and yet you demand others to be so willing to accept you for your insouciance. Your shortcomings, your for lack of better word, insanity.

Pardon me for sharpening my swords, in the wake of your silence. you torture me with your carelessness.  and you sew me back up with vibrant delusion. only to relinquish me into perplexing moments of disarray.

your zeal has lost its luster.. your charm has eluded you; and left you to waver. you dont possess the obvious capacity it would take to love a woman as spellbinding as I stand.

i never wanted ill for you. only to see your world light up in the dark. to shine with the most glorious of color. to watch pastel sunrise slowly make sweet love to your warm skin. to know that even in your darkest hour; light would make its way into the tiniest, hidden, places in your heart. to know that because I could not be there; close enough to share the same air flowing through your lungs… that my soul could pick up and carry through the longest of nights. through the most arduous of days. to find you.. to enlighten you. to watch you in your totality.

but somehow i have shown to be inadequate in my feat to express compassion, and tenderness to you. I have somehow- not met your requirement that you so often dissipate so far away from me.

i must tell you it causes me a immense suffering. to walk with a fragmented heart. to feel the rigidity in the tone of your once rich, velvet voice. I feel as if, my own discern, has been sundered; lashed and left to lay; in defeat of a love–that has once again- proved itself soluble to the very root of her foundation.

that feeling; robs me of my happiness, because you so selfishly take from me; when you need; when you feel like i am deserving.. and that feeling; drowns any love; i will ever be able to hold onto for you; you suffocate me in this box. these walls.. lined with pictures of you; the casual aloof ring in your voice, the dust collecting like memories of an old friend; a tired story; a fairy princess who never made it out of the ivory tower.

but I will, again mend my scars with the the utmost benevolence, in the greatest magnitude of strength and conviction. you didnt know how to evoke empathy — and for you I feel sorry.

sunfive.

its the wrong time

with somebody new

and i gave you so much of my light

even though i was in the dark

suffocating.

thinking of you.

im accused of a crime..

that i didnt do.

all i did was let you see me

when my world fell apart

and if you couldnt stand with me

if you couldnt be there

then why did you love me

then why do you care

the days get longer

the less; i hear from you

i wait by the phone

i listen for you

but maybe its silly

and i am a fool.

i just need you to tell me

that its all okay

that i am not crazy

that youre not gone away

i just need to hear it

come from your mouth

please just say anything..

2200 miles removed

i cant read the expression on your face

or see the fear in your eyes.

youre breaking my heart love..

i beg of you

---

 

in silence

---

 

i stand here

---

 

in light

---

 

i am blind

---

 

im scared to ask you

if its not what i want to hear

i dont know if im ready

to die where we sleep

to drown in the love

that we swam in so deep

you think that its different

you think its alright

and then it all comes undone

and you break through the night

im not going to ask you

or break my own heart

let myself unravel..

i am not going to do this

not with them

not with you

and what makes you different

is what makes you the same

if you have to say it

you want me to know

you were my best friend

now i dont know how to speak to you

a lump in my throat

at least my heart was open..

i know ive fucked it up sometimes

you drew the lines

but atleast my heart was open..

your own world devastated by you

pity yourself..when you have the time

take yourself home.

im not going to wait here

hanging on your line

 

Melancholy

Some days are worse than others, days like yesterday were good, days like today, I can barely keep myself from crying at any given moment. It is not that I am sick, or different. It is not that I am alone– no pun intended. It is not something I can render, it is something I have mastered a basic coping method for. It is nothing permanent. It just takes the edge off the feelings of hopelessness.
Depression; a constant slight. Anxiety; sever and sporadic. I have days where just seeing the sun peek through the drawn blinds of my bedroom; brings a smile to my soul. Then there are days where even when I am standing; soaked in sun, and blanketed by warmth, I cannot seem to remember how to think of a smile; let alone smear one on my face.
I struggle with things. But I move on, I don’t let it swallow me; at least not every day. Most days it is like a nagging twitch. It is there but no one can see it; only I know of its existence, only I can feel the motion crawling underneath my skin. It seeps there; like a thick mucilage.  Eventually occupying my being.

My awareness is what renders me most pensive.  Knowing that I am like this. Knowing that I have this sickness I cannot do anything about. And let me clarify before I delve any more.

I am not chronic; I am not constantly like this. I am an extremely lively; bubbly; vivacious person. Guaranteed; to create a massive attack of laughter; hysteria has been my forte. Constant in creating a joy for others to basque in. Because I know how unrelenting unhappiness can feel. I know how much I miss happiness when it fails me.

I value the feelings of warmth and I swallow them like I am a starving child. I revel in them like I have never heard the sound of laughter.

The awareness of my own beating heart. The sound of aching soul. The incessant exhaustion I drown in.  Knowing that I feel this way– and I know exactly what is causing me so much despair through the years.  Being aware and surrendering to it with no choice; is what saddens me the most. What really gets me down. It weighs heavier than a thousand men. It sits heavy; strangling the life from my veins. I am only human. And I wish I could reject that ideal. I wish that I could sink into a cloud and forget that looking in the mirror today could be the breaking point; I wish I wouldn’t of took such a personal slam during the movie Delivery Man* with Vince Vaughn* —

Sometimes in the strangest- most unexpected places; real raw empathy hits me so hard; I crash and  break in a million little pieces.

I am not here for your sympathy- I am here extending my words hindered by my own experience. I know all to well that swelling inside; where you feel like you are completely and inevitably in solitude. I have swam in that swarthy depth . I have floundered with my demons; and sank with their souls.  So one; I get to expel  all the insanity from my inner anxiety concentration camp, and two;  I maybe can help someone who feels like there is nothing more; or there is nothing left.

Its not everyday I entertain my abasement. Maybe that is just my issue.  I have constructed an escape from its wrath.  A small one with not much room to breathe. But one; none the less. Maybe it inflicts punishment unto me for out smarting it. For now.

Just maybe I will overcome it sooner than later. I guess I was just feeling alone. And don’t know if  I am ok with that notion.

death by euphoria

in that first solid memorable.. moment.. when you realize.. you have an absolute connection to another human being.. in this case the oppisite sex.. and your entire body fills with a raging heat from your throat to your thighs.. and you feel a sense of lust and delicious euphoric bliss. when all of the sudden human nature consumes you. and your heart throbs wildly inside your chest.. your palms gloss over with a warm sticky sweat.. your eyes.. follow every direction the specimen moves. you feel a passion rising in you and it seems like a volcano waiting to erupt.

it erupts and things are splendid.. and full of hot animalist sex. sex that cannot be explained in even the most erotic of words, something happens.. something moves through you and the animal inside of us all is awoken. hot wet unrequited sexual desire. the things you are capable of. expressing a human to human dance of our naked bodies. soul and all. mind and body.. uncontrollable it seems.. but be controlled it must. you see the first initial contact with another being.. so close to you.. inside you.. next to you . the heat from anothers body.. producing positive horomones… serotonines. lust lust lust. we can become lost in this state.. and almost become addicted to it in a sense, that rush that desire to prowl and be prowled over. can this not be some sick game we have develpoed as humans, men want sex. women want love, in the most generic of senses. we have gotten lost in the sex and the sexiness it can hold. and it has turned into.. nothing.. but fuckery. as quoted by my good friend morgan hopp.

 

but what happens to a woman.. is different than that of which happens to a man. we involve our minds.. because our body is a temple.. even tho it is not always treated as such, man to seek woman.. woman to set out to run the length of the chase. however the chase is as long as we want it to be. but many women and i myself am included as guilty. you cannot love someone because you have slept with them. yes you may think you love them.. but you fall into the lust and in consumes us. we may be able to keep our emotions at bay for a short while.. but eventually the death by euphoria has entered its final stages.. he stops contact.. he wants no ties.. he is seeing someone else. maybe it is a hard pill to swallow.. but it possesses the ugliest of truths

we hold back the emotion of it because if we express it too soon.. he may panic and run the other direction towards the hills..far far and way the hell away. when we pine and prod over.. i know he has these feelings but he is not showing them// STOP// if he is not showing them.. he probably doesnt possess them. this is where ladies.. i fear we are in more responsibilty than we take account for.. because we have allowed sex.. to confuse us into wanting more.. than what actually lie in face value. if you never have found yourself guilty of false hope.. because he sleeps with you.. then you are sorely indenial. and i will be the first one to admit to this… as i have made this mistake countless times.

 

dont get me wrong.. had you of not slept with him too sooon.. youre right it probably could have been great.. but we cause a change in ourselves all the while lying.. that he will COME AROUND. when in doubt you and i both know.. death by euphoria. we let it become us.. we get lost in it. in the idea of it.. in what it could be.. should be .. would be… maybe will be. but the name of the game is simple. seek and destroy.. a mission impossible. should you choose sex over your own happiness.. which we know sex is not the answer… but should you chooose this method over and over and over again.. we are insane.. to think it will come out with a different result. re evaluate yourself. and the respect… we not only desire.. but deserve.. and think.. if we stop giving away the lottery as i like to refer to it.. someone else has a greater chance of winning… in due time. patience.. and it is a virtue. i guess the question is.. how do we survive this journey with the media.. and the pressure of sex.. every where we turn..

 

its the journey in itself we need to follow the map too..

the journey is .. and is going to be.. but there are road blocks ..and detours..and bumps along the way..

how do we get to a better place emotionally. how do we make it work without a key ingredient.. or so we think is the key ingredient.

 

all good things are worth the wait.. but no one said the wait will be that of a pleasant one. however i say this because of my own mishaps.. my own short comings.. my own stupid lustful ventures. yet i have yet to follow my own advice. take heed with me as i try to embark on a journey of re selfdiscovery.. and respect..

 

til then.