crested broken home

do you feel it breaking underneath us?

do you see the shimmers off the horizon slowly fading to their death?

it all feels so different, im not blind.

i know this place because i have been here many times before

you forsake my love dear, i can feel it in the tide.

you pull me in when you feel me ebbing from your grasp.

what the fuck are we doing here… why did you ask me to come ..

i cant feel you there like i used to before..

you pull away from me & all of it goes dark.

my heart is growing tired now & im afraid of breaking..

i wont ask you to show me.. i wont think to beg …

i will slowly dissolve myself into a crystal sea..

i wonder where you have gone- how come you dont come back to me?

i dont know where we got it wrong cause now i cant seem to get any of it right.

lay here heavy weighted burden on my chest – my heart is slowly broken..

these waves i wait to crest.

tell me what to do love, i cant bare this loss.

you were everything so promising & you shimmered just like gold…

now we fill our void by silence cause you dont speak the words anymore.

i didnt come here for you to break me.

i didnt come here to be punished by you

if you cant fucking love me..

 

then let me fucking go.

 

Corrupted

Milky incandescence..
A shallow hole inside my chest.
nothing lasts forever..
Glitter on the chandelier..
Walk these frozen streets.
You call and I would listen.
I was all id ever be.
I spent my moments heaving through corrupted lungs.
Counting indiscretions that would only make me bleed.
silent in my ocean heart..
Heavy on my gilded feet.
There was no coming down
From this high once I got you in my blood.
I’m ripping through scar tissue
I’m running in my sleep.
my lungs full with posion.
wrapped in lace sheath.
I heave through the water
rough under my teeth.
a heart is such a fragile thing..
Never made to keep.
Swelling in my veins..
It makes it hard to sleep…
I’m drowning in your secrets..
decaying where we sleep.
restless disposition.
Despite my softened knees.
Scars in shapes of names
blood stains on your cheek.
Familiar with this silence..
What else could I have done..
You were busy leaving..
I was heaving through corrupted lungs…

Small things.

Your words collide with my heart.
Slam into my shins like a swell.
I stand here bleeding.
And spend my time on everybody else.
I sit here soaking in apology..
I am sorry for myself.
Foolish disposition..
Not ready for the change.
Everything is shifting.
All the small things.
Like the flecks inside your eye..
The coarseness of your hair between my fingertips.
Maybe it was something
That was never good enough
You play the victim in your own murder…
As if you’ve been wronged in vein.
And it’s all the small things
That gather at my feet..
You’re shallow like the puddles
From a soft echoing rain.
I knew you would..
But I can’t shape the madness
I can’t color in your lines.
All these small things..
They gather around me.
Like when I need your solace
And you cast silence over me.
Beg for understanding
But I’m drowning in between.
Aloof and slowly distanced
You walked out on me.
I pick up the pieces …
And I collect what’s left of me.
And all these small things.
Have forsaken me.
I was sorry love
I was sorry for loving you.
For breaking my own heart
While you hold it as it bleeds
All these small things..
Have gotten much too big for me..
And now all these small things
Have made it too dark for me to see.
All the small things
The words you lay on me.
The excuses that you believe
All these small things..
Have destroyed you and me.

Nothing

Soft indiscretion.
Peel it from my lips.
You’re in your tiny prison cell.
A million times smaller than you are.
You strip away the layers
A soft pardon, have you gone.
If you don’t hold on tight …
Were bound to lose this love.
I crack through the silence
My back is slowly turning..
Reaching for light..
Ebony skies.
Tip toe over subtitles..
Aching as you lie..
You don’t see anything..
As it’s painted on the trees.
It breaks my heart in pieces ..
Naked on this floor..
You don’t call me baby..
Like you did before.
Silent thrashing..
Inside my tired mind..
There’s nothing I can do..
Except for the salvation that comes with time.

my letter of good parting

lets go with this.

at least 5 times a day– something inside the very fabric of my soul,nestled down in that deep hidden,lost,uncharted,plume of depth.. a fervor churns vigorously inside my obscure existence. the acute distraction, i implement daily, hourly, momentarily, to keep myself from withdrawing into a chaotic swell of sorrow and malady. The incessant affliction of disparate faces you wear so often. I cannot keep up with the changing of your tide, the swift motion of here now there, is it me or you. I cannot begin to paint the picture of where it leaves me in my own emotional battle.  You stagger back and forth; aloof; and unreachable. So much insolence to others, and yet you demand others to be so willing to accept you for your insouciance. Your shortcomings, your for lack of better word, insanity.

Pardon me for sharpening my swords, in the wake of your silence. you torture me with your carelessness.  and you sew me back up with vibrant delusion. only to relinquish me into perplexing moments of disarray.

your zeal has lost its luster.. your charm has eluded you; and left you to waver. you dont possess the obvious capacity it would take to love a woman as spellbinding as I stand.

i never wanted ill for you. only to see your world light up in the dark. to shine with the most glorious of color. to watch pastel sunrise slowly make sweet love to your warm skin. to know that even in your darkest hour; light would make its way into the tiniest, hidden, places in your heart. to know that because I could not be there; close enough to share the same air flowing through your lungs… that my soul could pick up and carry through the longest of nights. through the most arduous of days. to find you.. to enlighten you. to watch you in your totality.

but somehow i have shown to be inadequate in my feat to express compassion, and tenderness to you. I have somehow- not met your requirement that you so often dissipate so far away from me.

i must tell you it causes me a immense suffering. to walk with a fragmented heart. to feel the rigidity in the tone of your once rich, velvet voice. I feel as if, my own discern, has been sundered; lashed and left to lay; in defeat of a love–that has once again- proved itself soluble to the very root of her foundation.

that feeling; robs me of my happiness, because you so selfishly take from me; when you need; when you feel like i am deserving.. and that feeling; drowns any love; i will ever be able to hold onto for you; you suffocate me in this box. these walls.. lined with pictures of you; the casual aloof ring in your voice, the dust collecting like memories of an old friend; a tired story; a fairy princess who never made it out of the ivory tower.

but I will, again mend my scars with the the utmost benevolence, in the greatest magnitude of strength and conviction. you didnt know how to evoke empathy — and for you I feel sorry.

Changing colour

The leaves are changing colors
As September has it’s stay
The air is getting cooler
And I can feel it in my bones
Something in me was dead wrong.
But I chose to ignore it all along.
The leaves are changing with the seasons..
As I lay my love for you to rest.
There are things I cannot change
And I think a goodbye is best.
My heart fills up with hope
And god I’ve used it.
And I’m making this choice
To leave it.
The wind sends shivers down my spine
And as I woke this morning..
I got the answer I’ve been begging for
But got distracted by the time.
I was waiting up for you..
But I was worried about me too..
I lost it all on you.
I loved you like a house on fire..
I wanted to bring you back to life.
Now all of this forsaken..
And all of it in spite..
As October makes it way into the weeks ahead..
I’m sure I will be just fine..
I know with time..
A fickle thing..
Things that left the bruises …
Slowly lose their ache.
The scars will form with time to come..
I’ll be fine I knew I was.
And it will lose it’s luster
But I won’t lose my shine..
I just wish you had told me …
Because now it all seems like a line..
June was beautiful —
Colored with greens and blues.
Just like the seasons change
So did you…
And I’ll always sing your song
When I hear anathallo
Or when I see a pale pink sunrise
Alone at 5am.
But you’ve been gone so long…
And I’ve had to fill up all the cracks of you…
With pieces of myself …
there wasn’t much to grieve..
And the leaves are changing colors
As Septembers stay is over due
A whisper with goodbye
I just hope you know —
I loved you..
I hope you know I tried.

burningmemories//papertragedies

i have burned your face into my memory like a swollen house.

i have forced myself to color with the shades inside your eyes.

cut out the paper tragedies that i hang up in my room

i feel like ive created a fantasy …

to escape the ghosts of you.

i have etched your splendor in to the covers of my books.

i have woven your tongue lashings into my heart strings.

folded  origami, paper cranes, lets build a house.

when i close my eyes i can see how much that i have lost.

oil paintings, colors running down the walls.

you never planned to stay..

you were never really here at all.

and i dont want to look away..

put my heart back on this shelf.

all i have left is the beating chorus that echoes in my chest.

your eyes staring back at me from a photograph

your sadness seeps out of your veins

i can see it written on your face.

i have retraced all of our memories.

i have built the walls with sand in side my room..

so that if one day you return to me..

you can still knock them down..

but for now my bitter apologies..

i tell you what you want to hear…

its all in vein…

the saddest part about this..

is that i thought you were my friend…

and now you are jagged..

and i am jaded in the end..

you are like a phantom

memories fading from my head..

and i never thought id have to hold back

from the things we always said..

 

 

Your song.

My heart blanketed by cold.
My eyes swollen from the wake.
Pardon my indifference
I didn’t give my heart for you to take.
I didn’t see it coming
I didn’t brace to break.
My body tired from nights I lay awake
My soul has grown so weary
You left me to long in the dark
And I will never hear a song
That sounds the same as yours
I will never dance so freely
As I did in the shadow of your sun.
If we could go back love
I would not do what I have done
Sometimes you get caught up
In the swell of storm
Drowned out by the rain
And I will hear the melody
Of all the songs you sang
But i fear I’m losing touch
And my love, you never came …
I stood there waiting
Hands empty at my sides
When you left for California …
I only had your word
That here with me was where your heart was.
That I was where you lay.
I gave my best fight
And it still; not enough.
Colloquial I love you’s …
A call that never came.
My love, I would of waited
But I needed you to say…
I needed you to tell me …
That your pardon never changed …
Foolish discretion..
Heart strings woven in your name
The sounds of silence
Were too much for me to overcome
Why hold on to you–
When I know you’re not holding on to me…

8.11=1

Sullen sunshine.
Maybe I am scared
I am holding on so tight..
I can’t find the answers
I haven’t found where it went wrong
The indifference in me rising…
Your love for me decayed.
I wanted so much for you
I wanted to take the blame
Now you barely speak to me
And I can’t hold my heart together
I feel our moments
Losing meaning
As another heavy night descends
and I wish I wasn’t partial
To the sound of my breaking bones
Maybe I’m not able to be loved
Maybe I’m just drawn out here
Maybe I have a spitfire tongue
Maybe it’s just not for me
In all my lonely hours
Fickle with desire
Stolen by the sound
Soaking in misery
Absorbed by my hearts shame
I’m waiting for the day
I know you have the heart
But I’m hoping that you’ll stay
That you loved me all this time
But it turns out all the same
I’m broken like I’ve always been
I am only dreaming
And I know we can’t go back to June
But it’s the only thing I have
Keeping me together
I only have my moments of you
Before you grew so cold
What did you take me for ?
Was i just a temporary happiness
Something to hold to keep…
It doesn’t really matter though
You’re not losing any sleep

This is shit.

I listen to these records
Songs all named for you
The once sweet melodies
Are now all sadly tuned
In these hours in the night
Quarter after two.
I’m listening to the soundtrack
The one of me and you.
My hands they feel so heavy
Put my pen to page
My gaze steady at these four walls
I close my eyes tightly
And hope that my heart can take me back
To the moments at the cabin
I thought they’d surely last.
The crackle of the fire
You built me with wet wood
I hang there in your laughter
My mind playing tricks on me
I lay there in the darkness
The stale air clinging in the room
The sound of you breathing
Your breath too close to care
I close my eyes so tightly
Hoping I could stay there for a while
But something breaks the silence
And I’m not there at all.
I watched you as you floated
Across the tired floor
You brought a cup of coffee
And kissed my head under my hair
You sat there in the morning haze
As I drank the sight of you.
I close my eyes so tightly
To recollect the scent of you.
You played me the softest chords on your guitar.
And I’m back in Wisconsin
But my memory holds me there.
I can’t tell if I want to forget it all
Or live in the moments that we had
It doesn’t matter now…
The thought still makes me sad.
All I do these days is wander
In all my pieces of you.