you came in warm like summer ether – fire looming in the sky..

this unfixed palpitation – your fingers move with witting contemplation against my tawny, florid skin.

you’re absent as i linger in my own impetuousness.

i feel you study as i stir from unbridled agitation – inhaling in this flux.

dismissed by your discernment –  emotion reflecting on my face..

your allegiance to obturation – this once your affliction.. now exists as mine to take.

you twist words into obscurities for you know i will concede -you lack benevolence to bear relent for me.

my existence on the outside – you will never bring me in..

once white pines grew opulent & wide – fire wild with fury spares not a thing from molten tide.

the moon hangs her head low – her tear rushing crimson carried out into the sea 

keep me in this nothing — waiting for this lust to absolve itself of sin.

these patterns are unbending – floating – ebbing – drifting as we sleep.

heaving through corrupted lungs  –  my mind ebbs back to when i could feel your love 

but i surrender adoration – i won’t be a penchant for your pain.

relinquish turned by ember – for all that i had suffered

it will never be in fucking vain.

crested broken home

do you feel it breaking underneath us?

do you see the shimmers off the horizon slowly fading to their death?

it all feels so different, im not blind.

i know this place because i have been here many times before

you forsake my love dear, i can feel it in the tide.

you pull me in when you feel me ebbing from your grasp.

what the fuck are we doing here… why did you ask me to come ..

i cant feel you there like i used to before..

you pull away from me & all of it goes dark.

my heart is growing tired now & im afraid of breaking..

i wont ask you to show me.. i wont think to beg …

i will slowly dissolve myself into a crystal sea..

i wonder where you have gone- how come you dont come back to me?

i dont know where we got it wrong cause now i cant seem to get any of it right.

lay here heavy weighted burden on my chest – my heart is slowly broken..

these waves i wait to crest.

tell me what to do love, i cant bare this loss.

you were everything so promising & you shimmered just like gold…

now we fill our void by silence cause you dont speak the words anymore.

i didnt come here for you to break me.

i didnt come here to be punished by you

if you cant fucking love me..

 

then let me fucking go.

 

Changing colour

The leaves are changing colors
As September has it’s stay
The air is getting cooler
And I can feel it in my bones
Something in me was dead wrong.
But I chose to ignore it all along.
The leaves are changing with the seasons..
As I lay my love for you to rest.
There are things I cannot change
And I think a goodbye is best.
My heart fills up with hope
And god I’ve used it.
And I’m making this choice
To leave it.
The wind sends shivers down my spine
And as I woke this morning..
I got the answer I’ve been begging for
But got distracted by the time.
I was waiting up for you..
But I was worried about me too..
I lost it all on you.
I loved you like a house on fire..
I wanted to bring you back to life.
Now all of this forsaken..
And all of it in spite..
As October makes it way into the weeks ahead..
I’m sure I will be just fine..
I know with time..
A fickle thing..
Things that left the bruises …
Slowly lose their ache.
The scars will form with time to come..
I’ll be fine I knew I was.
And it will lose it’s luster
But I won’t lose my shine..
I just wish you had told me …
Because now it all seems like a line..
June was beautiful —
Colored with greens and blues.
Just like the seasons change
So did you…
And I’ll always sing your song
When I hear anathallo
Or when I see a pale pink sunrise
Alone at 5am.
But you’ve been gone so long…
And I’ve had to fill up all the cracks of you…
With pieces of myself …
there wasn’t much to grieve..
And the leaves are changing colors
As Septembers stay is over due
A whisper with goodbye
I just hope you know —
I loved you..
I hope you know I tried.

Wasted (rough edit)

And then I wake up sober.
Still in my clothes from the night before.
I would get out of bed but I slept on the floor.
My head it aches like vodka
My breath smells like disgrace
Who did I go home with
To try and fill your place.
I’m clinging to a notion
All my thoughts of you.
the next 8 hours go by in slow motion …
Everyone talking
but I don’t hear a thing.
I swear I’m going home to sleep it off…
And here I am again.
My thoughts choke the air right from my lungs.
This room feels like a tomb
Fast forward and I’m here again
I get high again to make it go away.
And for a moment I forget
That I am broken all the time.
I feel so much of nothing
But it’s not you again.
I try to act like I don’t mind
Like it’s fine it it really is …
But who the fuck am I kidding..
I’m wasted again
I’m tripping into the bathroom
My friends laughing in the stall.
Everyone is doing blow…
And I’m making the call.
I know that you won’t answer
But I’m not in my right mind
Maybe I’ll catch you in a moment
even if I did what would I say.
I drink away the thoughts of you
I try to flood you in my mind
Tomorrow I’ll wake up and regret this
Just like all the nights before
He is just my distraction
From all the things you are.
All I have is nothing
But a drink waiting at the bar.
It makes it feel alright again
It covers up the stains
I can’t even stand up straight
Or remember his name.
I came here to forget it
But it’s not working anymore
I can’t keep you off my mind
Checking my phone incessantly
Maybe you’ll be on the other end.
And the later it gets the more I feel alone.
I’ll go home and sleep it off…
Tomorrow it will be the same.
I can’t get drunk enough
To forget you anyway..
I can’t stay high enough
To ease all of the pain.
I’m a beautiful mess
And I’m trying my best..
Swallow all my thoughts of you…
They’re just floating in my chest.
And then I wake up sober..
I can’t live like this.

burningmemories//papertragedies

i have burned your face into my memory like a swollen house.

i have forced myself to color with the shades inside your eyes.

cut out the paper tragedies that i hang up in my room

i feel like ive created a fantasy …

to escape the ghosts of you.

i have etched your splendor in to the covers of my books.

i have woven your tongue lashings into my heart strings.

folded  origami, paper cranes, lets build a house.

when i close my eyes i can see how much that i have lost.

oil paintings, colors running down the walls.

you never planned to stay..

you were never really here at all.

and i dont want to look away..

put my heart back on this shelf.

all i have left is the beating chorus that echoes in my chest.

your eyes staring back at me from a photograph

your sadness seeps out of your veins

i can see it written on your face.

i have retraced all of our memories.

i have built the walls with sand in side my room..

so that if one day you return to me..

you can still knock them down..

but for now my bitter apologies..

i tell you what you want to hear…

its all in vein…

the saddest part about this..

is that i thought you were my friend…

and now you are jagged..

and i am jaded in the end..

you are like a phantom

memories fading from my head..

and i never thought id have to hold back

from the things we always said..

 

 

No sleep

What happens to me
When I’m here alone.
When thoughts of you so heavy
And I’ve no one to call
When my heart breaks in two
Over where you left me back in July
I’ve nothing left
But the tears left in my eyes
Welling with a sadness
Broken with disdain
What more could I tell you.
What more to make you stay…
And so I’ll lay my head down
Numb here with the stars
I have fought the good fight
I have come this far..
Didn’t you understand it..,
I am always where you are…

Alchemy

Shadows casted by indifference
The lack of white noise coming through
I knew I was missing something
Too broken to admit it’s you
I’ve tried to communicate my concerns
But I can’t break through to you
I can’t even pick up my own feet
Weighted down by grains of sand
I reach out to arms of strangers
To feel some sort of responding touch
I wonder how you rest at night
How do you wake every day
The equations not that simple
Divided by subtraction.
Multiplied by me when there’s no you
The answers don’t come that easy
I can’t reach to you
Woven into your alchemy
A man with sickened mind
You wore a face so different
Id rather hear you raise your voice
Then shut me down where I stand
I guess what makes me most angry
Is you know me when I’m stripped
You know all my weaknesses
The things that I fear
I’ve told you all my secrets
And yet you eased them all so fair
Now I’m left to untangle
The mess of memories
And they’ll all look at me
As if I am the crazy one
I’ve screamed to you
I’ve begged for you
I’ve pleaded now
For something to grab onto
While I’m dying in your war
While they all start their screaming
As you release my hand
Your heart has no meaning
my tomorrow, nevermore

understand that I am scared
To let you hurt me like they’ve done
These scars across my chest
Is the proof that love decays
I was trying to mend my brokenness
a promise you secured
Now here I am in the ocean
Standing naked and afraid
Because now the silence settles
And it’s time to move again
You let your demons steal you away
And there’s nothing I can say
To bring you home
You are a liar
And you’ve made a fool out of me
You opened up my bleeding heart
And forsake it in spite of me
You let your black mind
Steal you from your heart
And there isn’t anything
I can do to save you
Cuz all I have for now is a broken heart
But you’ll have nothing but yourself
No one else to shoulder the blame
Fickle in your wisdom
Beaten down by your despair
You had a good girl who loved you..
And you shattered her tiny heart…

And when they start their screaming …

nightfall; im dying once again.

i dont want your saving.

id rather fucking bleed.

on your way down

look at me… jump to conclusions.

look at me… fill up with worry.

look at you… running to hide.

look at you…making excuses.

what would the words be if the silence could be heard.

what would the signs point to if we could see them again

was there something i missed

was there something i said.

im looking for that moment when i lost you …

im searching for the moment that seemed out of time.

i just want to lay down on this floor

i want to cry so hard

til i cant breathe anymore.

this pain sits so heavy

a culmination of them all.

men who came before you..

the ones who left me behind..

the ones who played me out like a fool..

the ones who broke my heart into pieces..

and then left me to die..

missed apologies..

serrated edges of me.

filling up with apathy

suffocated by empathy.

look at me..jump to conclusions.

look at you.. no where to be found..

what would it sound like if you said it out loud..

i know it will sound like–

i dont want to hear..

it will sound like a heart break…

it will be a hollow goodbye.

it took me two weeks..

to memorize your face..

but who knows how long it will take to erase.

sunfive.

its the wrong time

with somebody new

and i gave you so much of my light

even though i was in the dark

suffocating.

thinking of you.

im accused of a crime..

that i didnt do.

all i did was let you see me

when my world fell apart

and if you couldnt stand with me

if you couldnt be there

then why did you love me

then why do you care

the days get longer

the less; i hear from you

i wait by the phone

i listen for you

but maybe its silly

and i am a fool.

i just need you to tell me

that its all okay

that i am not crazy

that youre not gone away

i just need to hear it

come from your mouth

please just say anything..

2200 miles removed

i cant read the expression on your face

or see the fear in your eyes.

youre breaking my heart love..

i beg of you

---

 

in silence

---

 

i stand here

---

 

in light

---

 

i am blind

---

 

im scared to ask you

if its not what i want to hear

i dont know if im ready

to die where we sleep

to drown in the love

that we swam in so deep

you think that its different

you think its alright

and then it all comes undone

and you break through the night

im not going to ask you

or break my own heart

let myself unravel..

i am not going to do this

not with them

not with you

and what makes you different

is what makes you the same

if you have to say it

you want me to know

you were my best friend

now i dont know how to speak to you

a lump in my throat

at least my heart was open..

i know ive fucked it up sometimes

you drew the lines

but atleast my heart was open..

your own world devastated by you

pity yourself..when you have the time

take yourself home.

im not going to wait here

hanging on your line

 

static

no shelter from disconnect

got some static on the line.

corduroy buttons.

lines of color trim the room

put me in the sunlight

let me wade in yellow.

somebodys shaking the walls now

i can feel the earth moving in my toes

but i could stand here next to you

i could tell you stories

i could swim out into the blue

chase the clouds that scatter into evening skies

would it make much difference now

ive no room left to move

a little bit of broken

shaking up a mess

leave it on the floor

set it all on fire

shielded by your heart

listening to the silence hanging in the room

im not sure why we came here

to look for things; we both feel; eludes.

bleeding through.

just a little bit of static

woven tight with disconnect…

the smell of burning cedar..

as i sleep there on your chest.

maudlin in the very way we  move.

proposals – lachrymose.

fragments in stillness

water seeps into my lungs.

and maybe you cant say it..

and maybe you cant move.

recollection

it slips right through my hands.

a little bit of disconnect..

only static coming though.