Monthly Archives: September 2014

Stood

Standard

I stood in the shower
Until the water ran cold against my skin..
I stood there with this feeling.
One I’ve held so many times before.
But I didn’t understand it..
It all came back to you.
I stood there like the water
Was going to sew up my broken heart.
Like maybe if I stood there long enough..
I could save it from a break..
I stood there staring at the water running down my skin..
I stood there feeling nothing..
And I stood there just the same.
Nothing coming out..
Nothing going in.
I stood there frozen in my chest
Everything feels like pain..
Maybe it’s the way I’m living..
You give me nothing yet I stay …
Your goodbye sounded sheepish
the whole thing swallowed me in..
I stood there waiting to feel something…
Inside my burning lungs..
I stood there waiting for that moment
Where I cave in my chest..
But nothing felt like something
When not one thing is all I had…
I stood there naked in the shower
Water creasing my skin..
Running down my shoulders ..
Down through my toes..
I stood there..
Empty.
Waiting for the tears..
I stood there for the longest time..
Tracing every part line of you
I could smell you
I could feel you
I could taste the morning on your kiss..
I stood there holding myself up
Against the tiled wall
Waiting for the break
To catch me if I fall…
I stood there in the water
Cold against my skin..
It reminded me of your love…
The love you could never give..
Because I’m as broken as you think you are..
But I would never break you because I could…
But yet I stood there waiting…
Put it back in your hands if you would…
And still I can feel nothing..
Try to convince God just to change you…
And there’s nothing left to save…
I just stood there…
I just stood.

Changing colour

Standard

The leaves are changing colors
As September has it’s stay
The air is getting cooler
And I can feel it in my bones
Something in me was dead wrong.
But I chose to ignore it all along.
The leaves are changing with the seasons..
As I lay my love for you to rest.
There are things I cannot change
And I think a goodbye is best.
My heart fills up with hope
And god I’ve used it.
And I’m making this choice
To leave it.
The wind sends shivers down my spine
And as I woke this morning..
I got the answer I’ve been begging for
But got distracted by the time.
I was waiting up for you..
But I was worried about me too..
I lost it all on you.
I loved you like a house on fire..
I wanted to bring you back to life.
Now all of this forsaken..
And all of it in spite..
As October makes it way into the weeks ahead..
I’m sure I will be just fine..
I know with time..
A fickle thing..
Things that left the bruises …
Slowly lose their ache.
The scars will form with time to come..
I’ll be fine I knew I was.
And it will lose it’s luster
But I won’t lose my shine..
I just wish you had told me …
Because now it all seems like a line..
June was beautiful —
Colored with greens and blues.
Just like the seasons change
So did you…
And I’ll always sing your song
When I hear anathallo
Or when I see a pale pink sunrise
Alone at 5am.
But you’ve been gone so long…
And I’ve had to fill up all the cracks of you…
With pieces of myself …
there wasn’t much to grieve..
And the leaves are changing colors
As Septembers stay is over due
A whisper with goodbye
I just hope you know —
I loved you..
I hope you know I tried.

Wasted (rough edit)

Standard

And then I wake up sober.
Still in my clothes from the night before.
I would get out of bed but I slept on the floor.
My head it aches like vodka
My breath smells like disgrace
Who did I go home with
To try and fill your place.
I’m clinging to a notion
All my thoughts of you.
the next 8 hours go by in slow motion …
Everyone talking
but I don’t hear a thing.
I swear I’m going home to sleep it off…
And here I am again.
My thoughts choke the air right from my lungs.
This room feels like a tomb
Fast forward and I’m here again
I get high again to make it go away.
And for a moment I forget
That I am broken all the time.
I feel so much of nothing
But it’s not you again.
I try to act like I don’t mind
Like it’s fine it it really is …
But who the fuck am I kidding..
I’m wasted again
I’m tripping into the bathroom
My friends laughing in the stall.
Everyone is doing blow…
And I’m making the call.
I know that you won’t answer
But I’m not in my right mind
Maybe I’ll catch you in a moment
even if I did what would I say.
I drink away the thoughts of you
I try to flood you in my mind
Tomorrow I’ll wake up and regret this
Just like all the nights before
He is just my distraction
From all the things you are.
All I have is nothing
But a drink waiting at the bar.
It makes it feel alright again
It covers up the stains
I can’t even stand up straight
Or remember his name.
I came here to forget it
But it’s not working anymore
I can’t keep you off my mind
Checking my phone incessantly
Maybe you’ll be on the other end.
And the later it gets the more I feel alone.
I’ll go home and sleep it off…
Tomorrow it will be the same.
I can’t get drunk enough
To forget you anyway..
I can’t stay high enough
To ease all of the pain.
I’m a beautiful mess
And I’m trying my best..
Swallow all my thoughts of you…
They’re just floating in my chest.
And then I wake up sober..
I can’t live like this.

morning

Standard

I am somber in the mornings.
When everything is quiet.
The sky is still calm; no bustle in the streets.
Everything is waking from a sleepy state of being.
And the earth seems so slow
The sun seems young
Coffee stays warmer
Inside my ceramic cup.
And I am quiet in my soul
Reserved in my mind.
The clouds they seem so fresh
The trees are wide awake.
The softness in the minutes
That make up 6 am.
It makes me stop and smile
Where I can think freely for a while
The sun sits heavy and low
In the rear view mirror
Turning country roads.
And somehow no matter where I am…
These mornings make it feel like home.
And with a heart so heavy
And tired from weathering a storm
I feel my bones relax sweetly
Deep beneath my skin
And something so enchanting about a peaceful quiet morning..
The beauty in the silence
The glistening glades of grass
And soon it slips away…
As the sun ascends higher perched into a September sky..

burningmemories//papertragedies

Standard

i have burned your face into my memory like a swollen house.

i have forced myself to color with the shades inside your eyes.

cut out the paper tragedies that i hang up in my room

i feel like ive created a fantasy …

to escape the ghosts of you.

i have etched your splendor in to the covers of my books.

i have woven your tongue lashings into my heart strings.

folded  origami, paper cranes, lets build a house.

when i close my eyes i can see how much that i have lost.

oil paintings, colors running down the walls.

you never planned to stay..

you were never really here at all.

and i dont want to look away..

put my heart back on this shelf.

all i have left is the beating chorus that echoes in my chest.

your eyes staring back at me from a photograph

your sadness seeps out of your veins

i can see it written on your face.

i have retraced all of our memories.

i have built the walls with sand in side my room..

so that if one day you return to me..

you can still knock them down..

but for now my bitter apologies..

i tell you what you want to hear…

its all in vein…

the saddest part about this..

is that i thought you were my friend…

and now you are jagged..

and i am jaded in the end..

you are like a phantom

memories fading from my head..

and i never thought id have to hold back

from the things we always said..

 

 

January

Standard

Strangest things
Fitting puzzle pieces to the shape
I will never fit into your angles
I will never swim into the sea
Strangest things
I’m standing here
Do you recognize me
As I fight this war inside my head
Put a square into a circle
Chasing flames to burn my bitter hands.
A slow ache in the morning
Cased in shades of cerulean
Tiny boxes stacked together
A summer dances out and fall sets in
A change in the wind
A shift in my soul
Your comfort came against my will
I wasn’t looking for a love to keep
I guess I’ve grown tired
Of counting sheep
It’s been just shy of three months
Since you’ve gone back to Merced
And still I find it hard to sleep.
And here we are.
Fighting battles that keep us apart
Calling home – a busy tone
Throwing daggers – skipping stones
I still linger, my heart so cold.
I look at your pictures
I read through all our messages
In between the lines, through the T’s
I try to hold it up.
But it all falls down on me.
And I don’t know if I can let it go.
I dream each night with my prayers and hope.
And each day softens the stone in me.
And each day passes away with me.
Humming songs that sound like you.
I write you letters; post marked with a nostalgic smile.
I wish I could cut my heart right out of my chest.
And send it home to you and get some rest.
But I am anchored here in Waukesha
And it’s getting cold …
Winters coming with a quick reprise.
I’m waiting for January —
It gets me through the days I break.
When I can wrap myself in you again.
I miss you friend..
I know I speak of it all the time.
But who am I too keep the rhyme..
My rhythm converts in to the saddest songs…
But I bare the armor of a heart so strong..
I will be here if I am what you need..
If your heart should change
And it’s still me..
I’ll be here in January ..

honeysuckle woman

Standard

honeysuckle woman. careless as she stands

sweet lilac purple she carries in her hand.

she lifts the tired stones she casts..

as they press underneath her feet.

shards of glass sink in bubbles.

her reflection makes her hate the way she loves him.

she is covered up again.

honeysuckle woman. weightless on her feet.

her dress a  pale shade of ivory

sweet and gentle sheer, tassels on her sleeves.

she moves with out a bustle, a hustle as she leaves

her warm deep hair chestnut. lazy waves rest at her shoulders.

a circle ring of silver, she wears  on her left hand.

she never wears her shoes, she always leaves them behind.

her skin is warm and olive.. her eyes a soft tawny tone..

she stands in the night hours.. and stares into the dusk.

she makes a wish on a falling star.. she lays underneath the moon.

her heart in constant chaos. it stays as if still lovers.

still she waits in silence, the calm before her storm.

she raises her hands out beside her.. and she is earthing circles in the grass.

she feels the soil cool and moist fill the space between her toes..

her fingers dance like music notes to a song she hears in her heart

she is spinning in her circles.. to erase it all away.

a poor girl with promise, and a gregarious smile..

she convicted to her reason, wears her beliefs like a coat.

she believes in magic, and superstitions, she believes that serendipity is a way of life.

she prays to the earth, and calls out to the wind, she plays in the water, and dances by the flames.

her spirit is free flowing, a tragically fragile ebb and flow.

she has a saucy tongue, a vocabulary of a queen.

her words they are like ocean waves, heavy and they hurt.

she speaks truth like she has never heard a lie. she dances even when she breaks to cry.

she is a woman on fire, with a spirit in her feet, a swift and perpetual motion..

she is happy; though she weeps.

she stand there in the between all time and space; truculent in her soiled footprints

she will not bend nor break.

she runs away in moments, ones that seem, make-believe, she lifts herself on pages, tattered with her poetry’s

of all her loves that failed to carry weight.

she carries on her arms, scars that often break and bleed, it makes her remember she is human.

that she can taste bitterness in the feelings in her pain.

honeysuckle woman, softly as she speaks.

let her carry you to fields of daisies, and run through willow trees.

let her show you secret gardens, where she will share the invisible that it keeps.

let her sink beneath the waters, that are beryl, and cerulean.

where the trees are the most vivid green youve ever seen, the sky looks like watercolor,

like she painted it with her own hands, where everything smells of floral, sage, and earth.

and let her grow to love you, she will honor your soul, and give you strength when it eludes you.

she will sing you lullabies as you sleep, she will memorize the spaces from your ear down to your cheek.

she will learn you, like a poet learns stanzas, the way a scholar studies every page inside a book, like a painter creates masterpiece out of nothing.

she will soak you into her soul, and breathe life over you. she is a honeysuckle woman.

she will hold you like a treasure that was forgotten in the sea.

she will set your world to sepia, things you have never seen.

she will be honest, and small against your skin, she will look to you in wonderment.

I know because I’ve seen.

she is a flower in a vase in the middle of a room, she is the scent of morning heavy on your skin.

she is a child of the stars, an accidental constellation, a line drawn in the sand.

she is a mystery as you see, those who try and seek her, will never keep her.

if she chooses to give you her love, you are among the few, who have ever felt her in the raw

she is a oddly marvelous in her way, and she moves through life radiating with love.

she is unwavering with her affections; and she is easy as she speaks.

this honeysuckle woman, is magnificent on her feet.

and should you catch a glimpse of her love, you should catch not to release..

honeysuckle woman, her spirit is exquisite as she is sleek.

honeysuckle woman-

steady in her feats.

 

No sleep

Standard

What happens to me
When I’m here alone.
When thoughts of you so heavy
And I’ve no one to call
When my heart breaks in two
Over where you left me back in July
I’ve nothing left
But the tears left in my eyes
Welling with a sadness
Broken with disdain
What more could I tell you.
What more to make you stay…
And so I’ll lay my head down
Numb here with the stars
I have fought the good fight
I have come this far..
Didn’t you understand it..,
I am always where you are…

1:23

Standard

I move through the kitchen
A cool grey sky cracks outside
The rain plays in the thunder
I make my coffee 7 am.
You played me Ben Howard
A sad song in low g.
I still feel the mornings
Tucked away up north
Both of us inside the hearth
You were tired from a sleep
My heart filled with a happiness
Last night it didn’t hurt
I went to bed by ten
Asleep there in my sheets
I awoke to see your messages
The clock read 1:23
I lifted from my slumber
To see what you had said
“I’m sorry if I haven’t been around
To tell you…
How wonderful you are.
I miss you.”
I smiled with a gladness
You seemed familiar just then
I haven’t heard your heart speak
Since august 15th.
I lay there in the hour
And rest easy on my heart
It didn’t say a lot
But it was a start
I close my eyes and smile
The scent of sage atop my pillow
You always liked that smell..
And as I sit here in September
I’m further from this hell.
I love you, and always will.
Even though summer
Took from us..
And made us Ill
I know you that know it
I know you do..
That I am here
Even still.
I am still in love with you

You come and go in waves.

Standard

I find myself lost in thoughts of you.
I can’t help my heart let go of you.
It doesn’t get better.
You come and go in waves.
Some days I can’t get out of bed.
Some days I walk around in a daze
I keep retracing all my steps
I relieve every second of you
I try to figure out where it happened
Try to see the day…
Where I lost you.
I’m drinking you away..
Today blurs into yesterday
Tomorrow I’ll pull through.
I think of you out there.
Palm trees and ocean
Sand and green.
I wonder if you miss me
Like I’m missing you.
And I don’t care how we say it
I don’t care if you paint it
Across a September sky.
I am sick of crying
I’m sick of loves that fade away
With you my heart so open
And now I’m left indifferent.
It’s been two months and 18 days
Since you took your love away..
And I can’t stop drinking about you..
It never goes away..
Some days I’m fine …
Other days I can’t speak your name …
Other days I don’t know
If I’m coming or going …
If this is real or if it’s fake…
My heart hangs heavy
On a hook inside my chest..
I try to move around you
But In the memories
Motion what I lack..
I’m still lost in thoughts of you.
I can’t make my heart let go of you
It hasn’t gotten better..
You come and go in waves…