crested broken home

do you feel it breaking underneath us?

do you see the shimmers off the horizon slowly fading to their death?

it all feels so different, im not blind.

i know this place because i have been here many times before

you forsake my love dear, i can feel it in the tide.

you pull me in when you feel me ebbing from your grasp.

what the fuck are we doing here… why did you ask me to come ..

i cant feel you there like i used to before..

you pull away from me & all of it goes dark.

my heart is growing tired now & im afraid of breaking..

i wont ask you to show me.. i wont think to beg …

i will slowly dissolve myself into a crystal sea..

i wonder where you have gone- how come you dont come back to me?

i dont know where we got it wrong cause now i cant seem to get any of it right.

lay here heavy weighted burden on my chest – my heart is slowly broken..

these waves i wait to crest.

tell me what to do love, i cant bare this loss.

you were everything so promising & you shimmered just like gold…

now we fill our void by silence cause you dont speak the words anymore.

i didnt come here for you to break me.

i didnt come here to be punished by you

if you cant fucking love me..

 

then let me fucking go.

 

herointhief

needle pin prick rush of blood
the high comes cheap stinging numb
fire flame to tourniquet.
spoon basin sizzles your soul omits
fuck it all just for one hit.
soon their face is not one you know
their eyes like black holes sewn into their face
they’ll lie to steal & tear it all apart.
it leaves you aching – it stings it hurts
curiosity to feel a part once was once then once is twice
a powdered substance- purloins the light
mother father sister son…
the unspoken truth of family heroin.
You watch it slowly altar their face…
they arent the same
a crippled face
open sores scatter their skin
Itching fading slurring speech.
This is what heroin takes from me
It consumes slowly from the inside out
But they don’t tell you …
If you don’t stay high it will make you sick…
Heroin is one nasty bitch.
Money missing …
such a binding curse
It loathes its users just the same …
Doctor,lawyer doesn’t care the name.
She does not discriminate.
Heroin has made me tired..made me sick…
It never tires..
Or ever quits…
Heroin inside a quiet home.
An addict sister …
It aches in my bones.
try to help give and plead…
It can’t be hindered a forced preclude
This addiction is around the clock.
I’m mad I’m angry but it does not stop…
This isn’t how it was supposed to be.
I watch her drowning in her speech…
Her eyelids squirm under her brow…
But she tires and her eyes give out.
She yells and screams awful things …
That’s how I know shes high again…
Her sparkle lacks all luster now.
But its heroin… WHY? HOW?
It keeps my mother awake most nights.
It rips her further away from our life…
I don’t know how to make it right…
Heroin has taken so much from me….
And yet I’m helpless…
To help her see.
She’s more than track marks
Covered by long sleeves.
Heroin took my sister away from me .  9

Oh, be still my wild heart.

We bend and fall.
I push to shove.
You’re so cold.
Like ice buried in my bones.
These night hours pour down over me.
I break for silence..
I’ve pushed so hard.
footsteps coming through the hall.
I’ve tricked myself but I don’t see.
Thick skin paper mache heart.
hold me together with fraying strings…
clasp the holes before I fall apart.
I know what needs to be done.
You with your fire
Me left with the burns.
Patronize me with your tongue.. im onto you.
And what you’ve done.
I trust nothing but my own feet.
I’m still fighting for peace.
It always fades from white to black
You’ve turned that blade into my back.
Show your face and speak your words..
A coward hides his head in earth.
I know to walk before I can fall.
I know to disconnect before I get the call.
You hear me loud and hard
Clear as sunlight cracking through the cloud.
Float away somber one.
I didn’t ask for this..
What have you done.
Stencil scars into my skin.
a road map of heart tales
Battles I could never win.
tip toe across the massacre.
You pull to hard.
my thick skin
My damaged parts
no one finishes what they start.
dirty messes
Caustic hearts.
Neon smile
generic grin.
another lost.
Slayed by sin.

Corrupted

Milky incandescence..
A shallow hole inside my chest.
nothing lasts forever..
Glitter on the chandelier..
Walk these frozen streets.
You call and I would listen.
I was all id ever be.
I spent my moments heaving through corrupted lungs.
Counting indiscretions that would only make me bleed.
silent in my ocean heart..
Heavy on my gilded feet.
There was no coming down
From this high once I got you in my blood.
I’m ripping through scar tissue
I’m running in my sleep.
my lungs full with posion.
wrapped in lace sheath.
I heave through the water
rough under my teeth.
a heart is such a fragile thing..
Never made to keep.
Swelling in my veins..
It makes it hard to sleep…
I’m drowning in your secrets..
decaying where we sleep.
restless disposition.
Despite my softened knees.
Scars in shapes of names
blood stains on your cheek.
Familiar with this silence..
What else could I have done..
You were busy leaving..
I was heaving through corrupted lungs…

Porcelain heart.

Here we go again.
Doing the same thing you have always done.
You give me fleeting moments then you break me where I stand.
You let me blossom for you like a flower..
Then you cut the cord and you are gone.
What can I do to keep you from running.
What can I do to keep you coming home ?
How can I save you from yourself ..
And let you sew yourself shut again?
I’m waiting here but not tonight..
Your apologetic tone is caustic
You look so dark inside this light.
On this corner of the bed
I’m losing you to the argument
You have between your head and heart…
And I will never be enough to fill your voids…
I guess it’s not enough to say it
It makes no difference if I don’t..
I’m torn between loving you
And just walking away
You can’t just come here
Shake things up
And then leave me again..
I can’t expect you to love me
When you can’t let me in…

Nothing

Soft indiscretion.
Peel it from my lips.
You’re in your tiny prison cell.
A million times smaller than you are.
You strip away the layers
A soft pardon, have you gone.
If you don’t hold on tight …
Were bound to lose this love.
I crack through the silence
My back is slowly turning..
Reaching for light..
Ebony skies.
Tip toe over subtitles..
Aching as you lie..
You don’t see anything..
As it’s painted on the trees.
It breaks my heart in pieces ..
Naked on this floor..
You don’t call me baby..
Like you did before.
Silent thrashing..
Inside my tired mind..
There’s nothing I can do..
Except for the salvation that comes with time.

Stood

I stood in the shower
Until the water ran cold against my skin..
I stood there with this feeling.
One I’ve held so many times before.
But I didn’t understand it..
It all came back to you.
I stood there like the water
Was going to sew up my broken heart.
Like maybe if I stood there long enough..
I could save it from a break..
I stood there staring at the water running down my skin..
I stood there feeling nothing..
And I stood there just the same.
Nothing coming out..
Nothing going in.
I stood there frozen in my chest
Everything feels like pain..
Maybe it’s the way I’m living..
You give me nothing yet I stay …
Your goodbye sounded sheepish
the whole thing swallowed me in..
I stood there waiting to feel something…
Inside my burning lungs..
I stood there waiting for that moment
Where I cave in my chest..
But nothing felt like something
When not one thing is all I had…
I stood there naked in the shower
Water creasing my skin..
Running down my shoulders ..
Down through my toes..
I stood there..
Empty.
Waiting for the tears..
I stood there for the longest time..
Tracing every part line of you
I could smell you
I could feel you
I could taste the morning on your kiss..
I stood there holding myself up
Against the tiled wall
Waiting for the break
To catch me if I fall…
I stood there in the water
Cold against my skin..
It reminded me of your love…
The love you could never give..
Because I’m as broken as you think you are..
But I would never break you because I could…
But yet I stood there waiting…
Put it back in your hands if you would…
And still I can feel nothing..
Try to convince God just to change you…
And there’s nothing left to save…
I just stood there…
I just stood.

Changing colour

The leaves are changing colors
As September has it’s stay
The air is getting cooler
And I can feel it in my bones
Something in me was dead wrong.
But I chose to ignore it all along.
The leaves are changing with the seasons..
As I lay my love for you to rest.
There are things I cannot change
And I think a goodbye is best.
My heart fills up with hope
And god I’ve used it.
And I’m making this choice
To leave it.
The wind sends shivers down my spine
And as I woke this morning..
I got the answer I’ve been begging for
But got distracted by the time.
I was waiting up for you..
But I was worried about me too..
I lost it all on you.
I loved you like a house on fire..
I wanted to bring you back to life.
Now all of this forsaken..
And all of it in spite..
As October makes it way into the weeks ahead..
I’m sure I will be just fine..
I know with time..
A fickle thing..
Things that left the bruises …
Slowly lose their ache.
The scars will form with time to come..
I’ll be fine I knew I was.
And it will lose it’s luster
But I won’t lose my shine..
I just wish you had told me …
Because now it all seems like a line..
June was beautiful —
Colored with greens and blues.
Just like the seasons change
So did you…
And I’ll always sing your song
When I hear anathallo
Or when I see a pale pink sunrise
Alone at 5am.
But you’ve been gone so long…
And I’ve had to fill up all the cracks of you…
With pieces of myself …
there wasn’t much to grieve..
And the leaves are changing colors
As Septembers stay is over due
A whisper with goodbye
I just hope you know —
I loved you..
I hope you know I tried.

Wasted (rough edit)

And then I wake up sober.
Still in my clothes from the night before.
I would get out of bed but I slept on the floor.
My head it aches like vodka
My breath smells like disgrace
Who did I go home with
To try and fill your place.
I’m clinging to a notion
All my thoughts of you.
the next 8 hours go by in slow motion …
Everyone talking
but I don’t hear a thing.
I swear I’m going home to sleep it off…
And here I am again.
My thoughts choke the air right from my lungs.
This room feels like a tomb
Fast forward and I’m here again
I get high again to make it go away.
And for a moment I forget
That I am broken all the time.
I feel so much of nothing
But it’s not you again.
I try to act like I don’t mind
Like it’s fine it it really is …
But who the fuck am I kidding..
I’m wasted again
I’m tripping into the bathroom
My friends laughing in the stall.
Everyone is doing blow…
And I’m making the call.
I know that you won’t answer
But I’m not in my right mind
Maybe I’ll catch you in a moment
even if I did what would I say.
I drink away the thoughts of you
I try to flood you in my mind
Tomorrow I’ll wake up and regret this
Just like all the nights before
He is just my distraction
From all the things you are.
All I have is nothing
But a drink waiting at the bar.
It makes it feel alright again
It covers up the stains
I can’t even stand up straight
Or remember his name.
I came here to forget it
But it’s not working anymore
I can’t keep you off my mind
Checking my phone incessantly
Maybe you’ll be on the other end.
And the later it gets the more I feel alone.
I’ll go home and sleep it off…
Tomorrow it will be the same.
I can’t get drunk enough
To forget you anyway..
I can’t stay high enough
To ease all of the pain.
I’m a beautiful mess
And I’m trying my best..
Swallow all my thoughts of you…
They’re just floating in my chest.
And then I wake up sober..
I can’t live like this.

burningmemories//papertragedies

i have burned your face into my memory like a swollen house.

i have forced myself to color with the shades inside your eyes.

cut out the paper tragedies that i hang up in my room

i feel like ive created a fantasy …

to escape the ghosts of you.

i have etched your splendor in to the covers of my books.

i have woven your tongue lashings into my heart strings.

folded  origami, paper cranes, lets build a house.

when i close my eyes i can see how much that i have lost.

oil paintings, colors running down the walls.

you never planned to stay..

you were never really here at all.

and i dont want to look away..

put my heart back on this shelf.

all i have left is the beating chorus that echoes in my chest.

your eyes staring back at me from a photograph

your sadness seeps out of your veins

i can see it written on your face.

i have retraced all of our memories.

i have built the walls with sand in side my room..

so that if one day you return to me..

you can still knock them down..

but for now my bitter apologies..

i tell you what you want to hear…

its all in vein…

the saddest part about this..

is that i thought you were my friend…

and now you are jagged..

and i am jaded in the end..

you are like a phantom

memories fading from my head..

and i never thought id have to hold back

from the things we always said..